Saturday, October 17, 2009
Have been going through HELL for the longest, longest, LONGEST time. For almost 2 entire years now. Have been living in hideous survival financial ruin mode for just about 2 yrs now. It has RUINED my ability to function normally. I have simply NOT been my positive, upbeat, loving self whom I love SO MUCH all this time. I have become a stranger to myself, to my friends, to anyone I ever knew here & really cared about. I don't care about myself anymore, I don't care about life, I have no dreams, no goals, no purpose, no function. The threat of homelessness or worse is always on my doorstep, daily. I never know what's going to happen from day to day, in a painful financial way, so I live with a constant heavy heart & dread. This is not good. I've gained weight behind it, of course. Ugly bumps & lumps I cannot stand. But worse is the dread, the daily, daily dread of not knowing HOW I'm ever going to make it again & be able to afford to live. Jobs--all I can get now are hideous barely above minimum wage type jobs like housekeeping. They destroy my back, my kidneys. No time to drink water even. Just work, work, work, work, work. Hard HARD A$$ physical labor that is painful beyond belief. I just quit one job, will start a new one in another week. "In training" right now with a bunch of others. Management claims this job is going to be "fun", but I already dread it like crazy. And it's only part time, but constant varying shifts so it would make it hard to have/find a compatible 2nd job. But yes, I HAVE TO take it. As soon as I pay the rest of this month's bills I'll be back to living on accumulated change--which I've had to do so many, many times in this 2 yrs.