Wednesday, October 14, 2009
How odd it is that improvement in some aspects of our lives frequently, instead of making us happy, instead cast aspersions on others. It can go either way, of course; you can either say, "Oh, it's okay that I can't do activity A, I can obviously do B!" Or, if you're like me, you say to yourself, "Hey, you can do B. So why the hell can't you do A?"
Hard on myself? Yes, ridiculously so.
Lost two pounds this week, calloo callay. What this did was send my brain into critical overdrive. First, it insisted that two pounds wasn't very much, that the people on the Biggest Loser would laugh at me, that I'm still fat, that I haven't lost enough. I countered with the arguments that I'm losing weight in a careful, structured fashion that will enable me to keep it off, and that I'm actually doing very well.
Thus defeated, my brain instantly turned to other topics (there's really no stopping myself when I get critical. it's like I want to hurt my own feelings). My boyfriend lives in Illinois, I'm unemployed, I can't do anything outside of my narrow area of specification.
As I don't feel that I can move Russell to live here, or get a job right now (I'M AN AUTHOR, BRAIN. SUCK IT UP.), I decided to focus on something that I can (hopefully) get under my control. I'm going to get better at stuff. I'm good at acting, writing, and knitting. It's time to branch out.
So, I took up the violin again. Does it count as taking it up again if I've played for like, half an hour? MAN my fingertips are sore! Turns out though, I forgot less than I thought. I played a good ol' 2-octave G scale for about ten minutes and realized that I DO remember how to read music, I DO remember how to play a few songs from memory, and I DON'T sound like a 9-year-old again. I was really worried about that one, actually. So, the violin is going to be part of my life again. Yay! I miss music. I haven't really played since I started college, and I was never terribly good at practicing. But if I can lose weight, my brain insists, I can play the violin again!
The other thing is a bit more challenging. See, I've always wanted to draw well, but I've always been rather terrible at it, much like singing. After YEARS of voice lessons to no discernible effect I've given that up as a bad job, but I decided that I'm going to become a passable sketcher. I don't have to be Renoir, but I'd really like to be able to draw the characters from my books. It's...sort of important to me. So I'm taking an online drawing course. It's going better than I thought!
So, here goes. I'm trying to fix my life on up, trying to be an interesting and competent person outside of my very narrow sphere of comfort. I'll let you all know how it goes.
PS: I lost two pounds!