Did I end a vicious cycle for the time being?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The last Haagen Dazs I ate was the week before I started JC. Finishing that quart gave me 2 feelings/thoughts.
1. I ate way too much. I could have stopped.
2. I don't want to stop. I still don't feel anything. What is wrong with me?
I have to say I grew up in a home with a person who was so dangerously underweight due to illness that doctors prescribed for her to gain 50 pounds. (my mom after a particularly bad bout of pneumonia) It took her 30 years to get to that weight (then she died after another bout of pneumonia-she had myasthenia gravis).
It took me having tonsils out at 10 to learn how to gain weight. Then I worked in bakeries, had kids, got depressed, starved myself, had kids, went to WW, made LT, got depressed when husband dismissed from his job, ate more, got suicidal, and got into an endless cycle.
I didn't fear-I was just repulsed by life.
Some things have taken place recently (even though I am lifelong Christian) that have broken through the depression. Even rain today isn't darkening my mood (but may claim my walking).
I am starting to realize that some foods are for special occasions. We used to eat out constantly. Being on JC has curtailed that. Now I am treating going out once every two weeks as a controlled treat. It requires planning and thought. It's not mindless anymore.
One of our favorite places was a 2 pint of beer and mushroom/swiss burger and onion rings haven. On Sunday I dissected the burger with cheese and didn't eat the bun, had some of DH fries, and had a salad and one beer. That was controlled. Not entirely on plan, but controlled, so I felt a victory there.
Here's to all of us having victories and planning a controlled treat every once in a while!