Saturday, October 10, 2009
I admit that my goal is to lose about 8 more pounds. Any more than that may or may not be going too far but I'd be willing to go further from that point if I don't look too thin or if it's difficult to maintain. I don't want to live a life of deprivation to fit in a size 0, after all. So this is why last night's comments by my DH were particularly hurtful.
We had gone out ot dinner where I split a salad with DH (with dressing on the side) and ate 4 ribs from a small appetizer plate of them. I also snacked on a few fries from DH's plate and finished dinner with a double sized shot glass of panna cotta topped with a few raspberries and almonds. I could have done better but I sure could have done worse. OH yes, and I had a glass of wine.
When we got home, I was changing into my jammies and getting ready to wash my face and brush my teeth when I caught my reflection in the mirror. There on my forehead are three faint lines, the precursors to wrinkles. Over the last year, I have tried everything OTC to reduce/remove them but to no avail. I said aloud, more to myself than to DH, "I wonder if maybe I should go in to a doc to see how much it would cost me to get an injection to get rid of these suckers," as my fingers pushed the top of my forehead up to see what it would look like with them gone. DH's response? *big huff* "If I were you, those little wrinkles are the last thing I would be worried about fixing."
I was shocked he said anything at all, but not that he opened his trap, I walked right into it. "What" I asked "do you think I should be worried about?" His response: "You really need to get in shape!" Which is his way of calling me fat. He's too "PC" to actually say the word.
My mouth dropped open for a second. I had not been telling him how well I had been doing with working out and that I AM, in fact, the same weight I was on the day we got married. I fit in EVERYTHING in my closet - "skinny" clothes included. So inside, I knew I have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I wore a bikini to do my swimming earlier and a lady I went swimming with said I look great and she can't believe I'm thinking of losing another pound. I wore a new, smaller size skirt out to dinner and was feeling pretty good about my appearance and had thought that maybe DH thought I was looking good, too. Apparently not.
My response was short, "Do you realize I weigh exactly the same today as the day we got married?" His response was even shorter. A big huff of air and a roll of his eyes as though I were lying to him.
I am not out of shape.
I am not fat.
I do have a few more pounds I would like to lose but I am very happy with how I look right now. That does not mean I am fat or unfit. It means I am fine tuning a little. I don't look like a supermodel and I'm OK with that.
I made a huge push when I returned from vacation in September and lost my vacation gain, and then some, within the period of about a month. I dropped a whole dress size and now I'm back in my happy place. So I have expected comments to the effect of me looking good or something. Not this.
I am hurt. Again. I am angry. Again. And I keep wondering why I let him do this to me. The last time he did, I was so angry, I went the OPPOSITE way. I thought, "If he thinks I'm fat, I may as well be!" and I gained some weight. I gave up working out and doing the right things because if he thought I was still unsightly when I thought I was pretty smokin', what was the point? I'm not going to let that happen this time because I realized that going the wrong direction makes ME unhappy. But what do you do when your husband, or wife for that matter, is so negative? It feels like emotional abuse. I don't know what else to say. And I don't know how to put my foot down and tell him that HE needs to see a psychiatrist to get to the root of HIS problem with seeing a perfectly healthy woman and tearing her down again and again and making her feel bad about herself for not being as skinny as he'd like. I'm wearing sizes 6 and 8. What's wrong with that? Is that really fat???