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    SHERYLDEER   31,179
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5'3", 126 lbs = fat...really???


Saturday, October 10, 2009

I admit that my goal is to lose about 8 more pounds. Any more than that may or may not be going too far but I'd be willing to go further from that point if I don't look too thin or if it's difficult to maintain. I don't want to live a life of deprivation to fit in a size 0, after all. So this is why last night's comments by my DH were particularly hurtful.

We had gone out ot dinner where I split a salad with DH (with dressing on the side) and ate 4 ribs from a small appetizer plate of them. I also snacked on a few fries from DH's plate and finished dinner with a double sized shot glass of panna cotta topped with a few raspberries and almonds. I could have done better but I sure could have done worse. OH yes, and I had a glass of wine.

When we got home, I was changing into my jammies and getting ready to wash my face and brush my teeth when I caught my reflection in the mirror. There on my forehead are three faint lines, the precursors to wrinkles. Over the last year, I have tried everything OTC to reduce/remove them but to no avail. I said aloud, more to myself than to DH, "I wonder if maybe I should go in to a doc to see how much it would cost me to get an injection to get rid of these suckers," as my fingers pushed the top of my forehead up to see what it would look like with them gone. DH's response? *big huff* "If I were you, those little wrinkles are the last thing I would be worried about fixing."

I was shocked he said anything at all, but not that he opened his trap, I walked right into it. "What" I asked "do you think I should be worried about?" His response: "You really need to get in shape!" Which is his way of calling me fat. He's too "PC" to actually say the word.

My mouth dropped open for a second. I had not been telling him how well I had been doing with working out and that I AM, in fact, the same weight I was on the day we got married. I fit in EVERYTHING in my closet - "skinny" clothes included. So inside, I knew I have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I wore a bikini to do my swimming earlier and a lady I went swimming with said I look great and she can't believe I'm thinking of losing another pound. I wore a new, smaller size skirt out to dinner and was feeling pretty good about my appearance and had thought that maybe DH thought I was looking good, too. Apparently not.

My response was short, "Do you realize I weigh exactly the same today as the day we got married?" His response was even shorter. A big huff of air and a roll of his eyes as though I were lying to him.

I am not out of shape.

I am not fat.

I do have a few more pounds I would like to lose but I am very happy with how I look right now. That does not mean I am fat or unfit. It means I am fine tuning a little. I don't look like a supermodel and I'm OK with that.

I made a huge push when I returned from vacation in September and lost my vacation gain, and then some, within the period of about a month. I dropped a whole dress size and now I'm back in my happy place. So I have expected comments to the effect of me looking good or something. Not this.

I am hurt. Again. I am angry. Again. And I keep wondering why I let him do this to me. The last time he did, I was so angry, I went the OPPOSITE way. I thought, "If he thinks I'm fat, I may as well be!" and I gained some weight. I gave up working out and doing the right things because if he thought I was still unsightly when I thought I was pretty smokin', what was the point? I'm not going to let that happen this time because I realized that going the wrong direction makes ME unhappy. But what do you do when your husband, or wife for that matter, is so negative? It feels like emotional abuse. I don't know what else to say. And I don't know how to put my foot down and tell him that HE needs to see a psychiatrist to get to the root of HIS problem with seeing a perfectly healthy woman and tearing her down again and again and making her feel bad about herself for not being as skinny as he'd like. I'm wearing sizes 6 and 8. What's wrong with that? Is that really fat???
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SLIMMERKIWI 1/30/2011 3:33AM

    If I am correct, your BMI is around 21. That puts your weight in the "perfect" range!
Looking at your photos, you definitely DO NOT need to lose any more weight AT ALL! You look fantastic!

What your husband did was emotional abuse, and as you mention "why do I keep letting him do this to me" suggests that this sort of behavior isn't uncommon for him. It is NOT appropriate behavior - regardless of the number of times it has happened.

I would be inclined to tell him that his unjust comments hurt you to the core and that you don't deserve it. I would also be inclined to mention that you feel you deserve more respect than that!

If he continues, then seek marriage counseling - either together or on your own - to help you decide YOUR future or at least how best to cope with him! YOU deserve better than this!

Kris

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M0PPET 9/14/2010 8:59AM

    Wow. Just Wow. You look fantastic. Your husband sounds like a total ass. And even if you didn't look fantastic (which you do) what kind of asshat husband treats his wife that way? And by the way - because you need to hear this way more often then you are hearing it... YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

I think its wonderful that you are eating healthy and exercising, because those are wonderful things to do - but you shouldn't be doing it to subscribe to some crazy ideal your husband has set up for you. And you know what - if you knock yourself out and get down to 110 lbs (which is really skinny - I know because I am 5'3 and not fat and have not weighted 110 lbs since 7th grade) He is still not going to be happy - he will find something else to pick on you for. Because, sweetie, what he is doing to you is abusive. Its hurting you. That is not OK.

You need to DTMFA.

Comment edited on: 9/14/2010 9:01:11 AM

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ALLYALLYT 10/11/2009 10:29PM

    Wow, first what an insentivie lout. second-girl u r beautiful. don't fall for his digs. i am sure you are indeed "smokin". he suffers from a confidence issue himself. don't let him destroy your self-esteem. you go girl! emoticon

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FINALLY28 10/11/2009 2:00PM

    Sheryldeer, thank you so much for blogging about this. Few things hurt more than hearing negative comments from the person whose opinion matters most to you. The same thing happened to me after about a year of marriage. I was in the 140's and hubby was not so attracted to the growing me. Now, I'm in the 190's and I can honestly say I did the same thing you did. Without realizing it, I did go the complete other way, thinking somehow I was "showing him," when I was only hurting myself.

Hopefully, your DH will learn to be more considerate. Does he know how much his comments hurt? Maybe try whipping out pictures of before and after. Try telling him how much it hurts when you work hard and he fails to notice. I agree that counseling may be in order but I know getting someone else there is hard. When my husband and I had a long talk after his hurtful comments, he admitted his insecurities and why he was baking cakes at midnight, because he thought if I lost the weight, I would find someone else. I told him I would if he didn't get over being so insecure. That probably wasn't the best thing for me to say, but in the moment, things can be different. Good luck and feel free to msg. me if you need me! I'm here!

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WWWSJW 10/10/2009 9:50PM

    Your weight is fine, you are probably beautiful and sexy. It is your self-esteem that needs help. My advise would be to research "Positive Thinking" on the web., and learn what happiness really is and how you can be happy all the time. No anger, no hurt. Keep up your exercise and working out and your good eating habits. Be proud of who you are and don't let your husbands comments get to you. Let them roll off of your shoulders and walk out of the room. You could just say to him, "You really need to work on your people skills, and walk out of the room and don't look back" the best reaction to give him is no reaction. If he does come after him, very calmly say to him, " Your comments hurt my feeling", I don't say things to hurt your feelings, and I wish you wouldn't try to hurt mine. Maybe this will make him think. Calm is always the best way to get someone to realize that they are not being nice.

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MONTY68 10/10/2009 1:29PM

    Wow, this would be difficult to really comment on. First though, I don't know what your weight looks like on you, i can't imagine that it would appear to be heavy, Importantly, you seem to be happy with it. If you weigh the same as when you got married and that didn't seem to be a problem for him, There is something that he has a problem with that I don't think is the weight. It will be very difficult for you to get him to see
a psychiatrist as "there is nothing wrong" with him. You got to think of yourself and do what feels right for you, Why do you want to take several more pounds off? You certainly don't want to gain weight because of him. If things like that continue, someone is going to need counseling. Good success with your weight goals and I hope that something changes for your marriage.

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