(I wrote this when I was mad at those trying to help me in recovery from my eating disorder. )



They say that those of us who have eating disorders have an "all or nothing mentality." I denied this at first, and for months, I've played along with the idea of trying to be "recovered."

I'll admit, having shinny hair and coal lined eyes again did seem like good reasons, to at least, attempt to make a stride for recovery.

But did you really think that I am doing this because I want to look good? Did you think that you could fix me if you told me that "this" wasn't attractive?


I'll try to fix the outside if it makes it easier for you to look at me. If it softens the blow, then by all means, watch me, as I fall and attempt to do this for you.

You dangled the idea of being "normal and recovered" in front of me and I want you to know that it taunted me at every bite. I tried. I swallowed my fears as my mind raced. But my idea of normal isn't normal, I thought it was, and it felt so right. In the end, your point is proven and now I feel overstuffed and deflated, all at once.

I don't blame you. In the back of my mind, I know this way of thinking is sickening. This illness, blurs the right and wrongs, so it doesn't sting as much when I strike back at your "fake it till you make it" and "this too shall pass," attempts at motivational speeches.

Every time, I reach for the spoon, I hesitate and wish that you would turn away. At times, I hate that I am not trusted to be left alone at the table.
There are times, like right now, that it feels like it would be easier if I gave into the eating disordered thoughts. But I can't think about that right now. It's almost midnight, and I have one more snack left to eat.

Your eyes are on me, your face has soften, and the clock won't stop ticking. I wish that I could be capable of being "normal" with food for you. It's been all or nothing for a very long time now. I just need you to know that I am trying.

***

I am to blame, for everything
I like this game, that you all
make me play
**
I'm Done Lyrics