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JELLYBEAN72
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4 Days Til Marathon.... This One Is For My Family... My Brother Mike!

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

I know its been a long time since Ive blogged. Been dealing with so much from work, family and my marathon training. This might be one of my most powerful/emotional blogs to date! Hope you have a few minutes and bring some tissues this one might get a little emotional!

For quite sometime now Ive been dealing with some issues involving my brother Mike. See 8 years ago my brother was put away for alcohol and drugs. Would you know the terrible night mare is back. About a month ago my brother was arrested for drugs. Would you know he was found with the worst one on him...CRACK COCAINE! My poor mom fell to pieces. Watching her cry endless days/nights was almost too much too handle. My dad acting so numb you dont know which one was worse. Being the only one they can lean on I had to be the toughest. I cant even tell you how hard that was. Trying to work, (teaching spin & aqua and staying positive while inside my life was falling apart was truly a test), and trying to train for a marathon feeling like why should I even bother to do this? I have other issues to deal with. Wanting to run away and hide I got through some hard times.

Coming home from visits with him crying in the car, in the house, screaming in anger..Why and how Mike can you do this to this family? Your wife? Your babies? How can you let your mom just die inside? How can you steal money from our parents to pay for this addiction? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks..... the word we all know so so well... ADDICTION!

Definition is Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance. The term has been partially replaced by the word dependence for substance abuse. Addiction has been extended, however, to include mood-altering behaviors or activities. Some researchers speak of two types of addictions: substance addictions (for example, alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking); and process addictions (for example, gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity). There is a growing recognition that many addicts, such as polydrug abusers, are addicted to more than one substance or process.

OMG.. how can I be so judgemental? how can I curse him out inside? He was not alone.... I had this terrible addiction too... except I had the FOOD ADDICTION. I would hide food and eat in my car, my room, my home. To the point where I was gonna puke! He was no different only in the sense his addiction could harm others and was illegal! He would hide the drugs/alcohol... do them in his car, his room, his home! We kinda had the same thing going on. I was hurting myself so badly to where I ballooned up to almost 300 pounds.... I was causing so much health issues being the yo-yo dieter. Telling myself and others I was gonna change I was going to loose the weight. Only to fail! What a failure as he felt. He would stop and then days would go bye and there he was repeating the whole cycle over and over again. As I talk to him on a weekly basis I tell him as I tell you... Only YOU can change only YOU can choose your path in life. You have to live for YOU and when the mind switch happens everything in life does too. So I pray Mike will have the mind switch like me and he will want to change for himself and his precious babies. Each day is a struggle. Take it one day at a time. As I do.

So in 4 days I leave for Baltimore, Maryland to set out on my biggest dream/goal ever. Running my first ever FULL MARATHON! As I get tired and want to stop whether it be Mile 21 or whatever mile it is, I think to myself this race is for my family... My brother Mike! I have to finish for me and my family!! So Lord Jesus thanks for giving me and my family the strength to get through this trying time in our lives and for keeping my strong and for the unbelievable STRENGTH!

I LOVE YOU MIKE!! Get Well Soon and Come Home Soon!




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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v BEACHGIRL76
    How did your marathon go? :)
    2048 days ago
  • v DBFBILLY
    I am soo sorry you are going through this..you are right, it is an addiction, a terrible addiction that takes over their mindset..My husband was addicted to prescription drugs..he got addicted over the years with all his medical problems and it's awful for everyone involved, but you are SOOO RIGHT., until they make that mind switch, there is NOTHING, NOTHING, you can say or do.., it is a helpless feeling, and then picking up the pieces takes a toll on you, and being strong takes its toll..I know, I did it for years...but, i ADMIRE YOU emoticon for doing what you are doing, and running your race emoticon emoticon and taking care of yoursef in a POSTIVE, HEALTHY way...and yes, i've noticed you haven't blogged and wondered what happened..Keep us posted on Mike and your Marathon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2120 days ago
  • v KROLES55
    Much success to you with the Marathon. I'm from Baltimore and I will be watching the race on TV..Look forward to hearing you did

    Karen
    2483 days ago
  • v KROLES55
    Take one day at a time..You & your brothers are in my prayers. I live in Balto and will be watching the race on Saturday morning on tv..Much success to you..Can' wait to hear how you did.

    Karen
    2483 days ago
  • v SURFIE
    This was a very good blog. I'm glad you were able to find an understanding for your brother's problems that helps you to cope and be better able to be there for him. I'll be praying for him and for your family.
    emoticon
    2485 days ago
  • v ESBELL
    You are in a difficult spot right now - wanting to help Mike, but not feeding into his self destructive behavior. Prayers for you and your family that he can find the help he needs to conquer his demons.
    2485 days ago
  • v SURLYGIRL
    What a difficult situation - sad and heartbreaking. Your family is lucky to have you - you're an amazing individual Kimmie. I will keep your family - especially Mike - in my prayers.

    Best of luck with your marathon. You've worked hard for this moment, so be in the moment. Focus on yourself and your journey.

    Be safe - Be well
    2485 days ago
  • v SWEETZMIX
    Hey Sis, sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It seems we all have our issues right now. You know, your brother will be OK. It can be hard, but if you don't have faith than what do you have. I once read something this woman said, she was once addicted to drugs....she said, no matter how long you have been clean you will always be an addict. The temptation will always be there. And that scares me. Ok that is not word from work, but you get the point of it. We can too relate, because once you have been addicted to your vice even when you quit and become clean the temptation never leaves your brain, it just makes it even harder. Stay strong & good luck on the race. I like Maryland a lot! Stop by the huge ESPN center by the water.
    2485 days ago
  • v PUMPKINFACE73
    Hey Sistah, I am so sorry that Mike is going through this and you are there to pick up the pieces. You are one of the strongest women I know and ViVi, Bubba, Mom and Dad are so luck to have you, you are everyone's rock...so proud to call you my friend.

    Hold your head high sistah, you conquered your addiction, look at you....YOU are going to do a Marathon...not many people can say that sistah. Be proud, stand tall (ok you are already super tall so bad choice of words there...hee hee)

    I wanted to surprise you and come to the marathon, been trying my best to find a way to get there, not looking good...I love you so much...give my love to everyone xoxo


    2485 days ago
  • v JEM0622
    Addiction is a very tough thing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I live just outside of Baltimore and know of a couple other folks doing this event. Best wishes to you! I know you will do GREAT! ~julie
    2485 days ago
  • v MBSHAZZER
    Kimmie, I am so sorry your family is dealing with this demon. They are lucky to have you to lean on. It's so great that you can EMPATHIZE with your brother and his addiction, because you are so right... you had an addiction as well. You will be a wonderful resource for him.

    I thought your first marathon was in January?! I am SOOOO excited for you - in fact, I was thinking of you this weekend as I was running... YOU, yes YOU, inspired me to a) try spinning (I love it!) and b) SIGN UP FOR MY FIRST FULL MARATHON!!! Yes, that's right, I thought to myself, self, Kimmie is running a full marathon, you can, too! So thanks for that, and GOOD LUCK IN MD!!! I can't wait to read your race report!
    2486 days ago
  • v JLR7_18
    Kimmie,
    I will be thinking about you as you go through these struggles. You are a very wise and strong woman. It is SO devastating for everyone involved, isn't it. BTDT myself. And I am sure food is one of my addictions too (my "medication")

    I hope you have safe travels and a smooth course through the marathon (and nice COOL weather :o) )

    hugs
    JOanne (CS Sparkers)
    2486 days ago
  • v BELG64
    You are right about both you and your brother having an addiction. But you chose to do something about it! Good luck to you with your marathon and good luck to your brother in battling this addiction!
    2486 days ago
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