Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I have been struggling with the food problem so manny of us on Sparkpeople struggle with. I have noticed that it's getting easier...just a little. i am getting tired of struggling. When will it no longer be a struggle?
My food love affair started very young, one of my first memories are of eating, I can't even remember what it was exactly. LOL I think it was baby food. Sometimes I can still taste it, but I have know idea what it is. All I know is it was wonderful.
Whoa!!!! Breakthrough moment!! Could I be associated food with loving feelings from my mother?? My mother would hold be while she fed me baby food most of the time. There's a picture I have where she's holding me while spooning food into my mouth. Oh, my goodness!
My mother never with held food from me..."Sure, sweetie, you can have a third helping of spaghetti....not enough parmesan cheese? Sure you can have more!" "Would you like another pancake?"...."No, mommy, I'm full" "Are you sure?" "Here, sweetie have a banana" There was one morning we were going to go vote for President Reagan on his second term she had given me a hard boiled egg...we got back home and she made me breakfast again! How do I remember something like that? My mom made a big deal out of him, I mean BIG DEAL...just something about that morning.
Even my dad was apart of it....we had orded pizza and little me had eaten seven slices at 7 yrs old! Where they mad!!!? I never hear "No more" "Stop, that's enough, "You can't eat that" "You've had enough" Yes, sometimes I did hear "You've already eaten".
There was this one time my mom was in the hospital, she was there for an entire week. I didn't handle it well. I cried myself to sleep everynight on the couch, I was a huge mommy's girl. I ate like a crazed person. My dad took me somewhere to eat, not even half an hour later my older sister took me out again to eat. I had eaten 2 full meals, I thought I was going to explode. And I was only about 11 at the time. That was about the time I weighed 120 lbs. I remember stepping on the scale and thinking...."wow, that's bad" and just not knowing what to do about it.
When I was about 13 or 14 I found my first diet book. It was geared toward teens. It stated that I could eat 1200- 1300 calories a day. That was the first time I saw what true portion sizes looked like. I lasted only about a week. I had no support, I didn't know that a person had to have 5 servings of fruits and veggies, I didn't know that you could have more than 1 serving of veggies at a time. I thought I really couldn't do it and I gave up.
Well, later on down the road I decided it was time to strikeout on my own. I was 19 at the time and I met this guy who I thought was great. Boy, was I ever wrong!! He was the worst "man" that ever lived. I found myself pregnant and what was this new feeling I had...it was quite uncomfortable...oh,wait I know what that is..it was hunger. I had never truly experienced hunger. This "man" wouldn't work so I was literally starving. I couldn't leave, I was miles from anywhere. I didn't know that someone from a church might could help me, I was completely naive about everything in the world. I went from 180 down to 160 while pregnant and with no activity. That horrible "man" starved me and my baby. I was stressed from that lack of food (love) and lost the baby at 22 weeks. She lived 12 hours. (There is a lot more to that story, but I just can't go into all that mess) I was able to get back to my home with my parents. I'll never forget it, my mother told me I looked like death. I had gone without food (love) far way too long.
Now that I know about the food/love association, what do I do now?