Yesterday, I ate an extra snack.

Eating that extra snack, did not happen without having behaviors. I was second guessing myself, stalling, and walked aimlessly around campus (not to burn calories, no that came later) but I finally got it together and ate the snack.

At lunch time, I ate but then I walked around the whole university campus for hours. It was around 99 degrees and I was sweating but somehow I felt that I "needed" to do it.

As I was walking around the campus, I wasn't feeling like a recovering anorexic. It so eerie how that part of me can leave me so easily. I wasn't looking at people. Somehow, if I looked at these strangers in the eye, they would know.

Surely, they can see it, without me saying it. The baggy pants and make-up can only hide so much. But I would rather have them see the physical me and not the me that's engaging in the behaviors.

The day after, always adds a new perspective. But this shift in sight doesn't bring with it reason.

Entry after entry, meal after meal, I am filled with contradictions. One day, I am recovering the next I am falling into the behaviors.

Recovery doesn't happen by following a path like they would like you to believe. It isn't like you walk upright with both feet on the ground and then stumble off. That doesn't analogy doesn't explain the madness that makes you wonder off.


No, it's not like that at all. It's more like you are on a rollercoaster ride. You get on and off and get turned upside down and spin around, really fast, in all directions and sometimes your contents come spilling out afterwards. At times, you have a stupid grin on your face when the earth wobbles beneath you because the rush was intense.

It's the rush that draws you back in, time after time, back to anorexia. It's a hard feeling to give up and forget. There is still the agony that comes with eating or not and I honestly don't remember what it feels like not to have this.

I need to start to believe that the path of recovery exists, that it is malleable with twists and turns. But I am still spinning around and inside out.

Recovery is suppose to be better than this so I will carry on.

**
I did better today: 2 meals and 3 snacks.