Does anyone else watch the biggest loser? I am.

I was eating a hot pocket. Ok, a lean pocket, but it was my second one in a row. I was watching their stories like I do every season. I was watching a Marine wife who is a homemaker. Her husband is gone a lot, and she gained 100lbs her first pregnancy. She used to sit in the bathroom and eat oreos and cry. That made me cry.

She was the first one up that hill, pushing herself to be the best. Then she hit like 3/4 of a way through and she hit the ground. She was crawling. She kept saying over and over how she wasn't hurt and she wanted to reach the finish line. They helped her, but she wasn't responding after reaching the finish line. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she wasn't able to grip hands or open her eyes.

What if that was me? What if that was me in a few years???

A few years ago, I didn't know I was this big. Back in high school, I may not have been thin or even healthy, but I felt good most of the time. Up until now, I don't think I ever knew I really was this big. I see myself in the mirror now. The real me. The unhappy and self conscious me that's wishing I was a size 16 but am really an 18.

I need energy again. I know my husband is deploying, but thats not a reason to eat a whole bag of chips by myself. Eating 20 pieces of licorice doesn't mean he'll be home next month. Its not a reason for me to eat instead of cry. But whenever I'm not eating I'm crying. But the crying makes me cry more because I'm just so scared. Of everything. But its time for me to remember that food isn't the answer.

Am I going to be hardcore working out and calorie counting my meals everyday? No I don't think so. My husband leaves next week. & my dad is coming out to support me. He knows I won't be able to drive myself home from the airport.

You want to hear something truly sad? I haven't even driven the brand new car my husband bought me. Its sitting out there in my name all shiny and new and I can't even bring myself to drive it. All I see when I look at is Ryan not being here.

So no, I'm not ready to be hardcore back on my sparking. Not until after my father leaves. But I am going to try to not be as ridiculous as I have been. Even if it is sodium and such, 10lbs in 2 weeks is still too much. Way too much.

I feel so unattractive. I have so much I want to do. I want to lose this weight. I want to be an AFTER STORY. I want to have kids someday and keep them from feeling this way. I want to sit in any chair and wear any kind of clothing. I want to stop wondering if people are talking about and/or starring at me. I want to feel so beautiful...and not secretly be wondering if my bulges show.

I've been thinking about how I'm going to workout 15-30 minutes a day and eat within my calories. Now, I'm still watching Biggest Loser and my favorite part was Jillian's speech. Okay, they were kind of mean and extreme (the trainers) but she had a point. We have this story in our heads saying what we can and can't accomplish. And none of that's true. We just need to rewrite the story. Jillian may have not gotten through to the person she was talking to...but she got through to me.

Why can't I workout for over an hour a day? When he's deployed...I really won't have anything else to do. I'll have my pets...and that's it. So what's holding me back? Nothing. Nothing is stopping me from running a mile. Jogging a mile. Heck, even walking a mile!

I can DO THIS. I am stronger than my weaknesses. I am not a victim. I am not. I am a daughter and a wife and someday I'll be a mother. I have it. I have the life I want. Now, I need to choose who I want to be. Its time to choose to be the me I'd like to see.