Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I just found a sponsor to help me through this weightloss journey. She lost hundered pounds in 11 months. Anyway, she asked me to rate certain areas in my life. Although, it was difficult to do, it proved to be very insightful and relieving. I was able to open up and write about all these throughts running through my head and these feelings that have been swarming within me. I feel in someways a little lighter and even more hopeful. This will be it. I am ready to do so even if there may be moments that may hurt. But I also know through that tunnel I will experience that relief and freedom that I have been in search of . I hope this may help some of you out there. Anyway, God Bless
Food/ Eating - I give this an 8.5. I feel like this is one the thing that gives me joy without any waiting time. It is instant. As soon as I eat something I like, especially after a bad day or good moment, it just improves my mood without anything on my part. When I eat, I feel like I don't have to give anything in return. It is freely given, the pleasure and joy that I receive from eating. I feel like that if I were to seek joy and pleasure from somewhere else I would have to give something up or give something in return. And I feel like that I already lost my childhood so I shouldn't have to give up anything else to get joy or pleasure. To do so would be like me punishing and hurting myself after what other people have done to me. Why should I hurt myself again? I don't deserve that. I just think that God should just take weight off of me so I doní»t have to deal with it. I feel that it is owed to me, the simple pleasure and joy of eating. He has already taken my childhood why take this away from me. I feel good and "centered" and "grounded" when I eat something I really like. For those moments, the world MAKES sense, my life makes sense, and I make sense to myself. Everything seems clearer and simpler. It is my high and I am ok with that I just hate the consequences and knowing that I do not have control. I have lost control and I doní»t know how to bring about balance again.
Body movement/exercise I am 2. If it were not for body movement, I would have given up on my weight and just stay fat. But I know in my heart that I am an active and adventurous being. And I want to do more with this body, but unfortunately it is unable to. For instance, I want to rock climb, surf, learn how to dance like professional, travel, hike, paraglide, ski and etc. I have all these dreams that have to do with my body. But my body and I are so disconnected and it is so out of shape. I want to improve its conditions. This is the worst condition that I have ever been. This past year, I barely did any exercise except for early April; I started walking with my professor. And that has helped. But I stopped after I graduated. But now I am walking to and from the school that I teached at. So that is about 45 minutes of walking 5x a week. The thing that I hate the most of body movement is that I become very aware of my body and its condition. I am aware that I am actually alive and living in this body. And I don't like it and I would like to forget. I guess during body movements, there is always this fear in that back of mind that I will never be able to lose this weight and I will just get bigger. That is what my mother and family used to say/ warn me. I guess that I am turning it into a prophecy.
Additionally when I walk, I am not sure how I should walk as woman. Body movement just reminds me how uncomfortable I am as women and with my feminity and sexuality. In some ways, I am reminded of my abuse even when I walk because it hits me that despite all this weight I still have body that led and experienced sex/ sexual stuff at such an early age. And I doní»t want to remember. And I don't want to know that I am growing and changing and so is my body. I lost some weight after I returned from my year in Europe. It was hard dealing with the extra attention I got from few guys. I just didní»t know what to do and how to move and walk pass them. Even with walking, I doní»t want to walk as my mother who walked, to me, in an arrogant/ conceited. Meaning she walked as if she felt that she was all that. And I saw some people look at her with admiration, others with lust or jealousy and I did not want to be that person. Not because of the looks she got but the way she feuded off of them as if it was her lifeline. At the time as a young girl somewhere deep within me, I taught there must be more to this thing of being a woman but I couldní»t find THE more. At least with the weight I doní»t have to search and then fail.
Education- I give myself a five. Although, I have graduated from a great college, I could have done allot better. But I failed to give my best because of fear and being stuck in the past. I am not sure what I want to get MA in but I plan to get it. Sometimes I think that I want a PHD, too but not yet sure. One of reasons that I am traveling is because I want to learn more about life and social justice issues through people and their experiences first hand. And I AM really excited about that prospect. But I am grateful for the education that I RECEIVED but I wished that I made more out of it. I plan to do some reading on my own on subjects that I am interested in and that I hope to learn more about.
Relationships- 1 rates this as a one. I never have had a boyfriend. I am scared of being in a relationship/. I don't want to lose my identity and my dreams and goals in life. I doní»t want a relationship to define me and my path. I just want a partner who understands and supports and loves ME as me. And someone that I can give the same and even more without it being thrown back in my face or it being OR I being taken for granted. I want someone to appreciate my spirit, mind, body, and heart. I have a lot to offer but I have to keep it up locked up to prevent damages and stealing. The few good guys that tried to get with me, I pushed them away very hard and very quickly even one that I liked a lot. And also my mother who is really into religion and dreams told me that she had a dream of who God wanted me to marry and I hate that because it makes feel that I am not in control , but she and God are still trying to control me and my love life. I feel like now I have no chance of happiness and I am destine to become like my mother and have a horrible marriage like her so I have to fight to keep all man away from me in risk that I either hurt myself or hurt God by going against his wishes. I feel that I am in a lose-lose situation. So I am deadlocked because I am not sure if God cares more about His plan or me? I don't know if my happiness even plays into the equation. I told him what I wanted in my mate and instead he has mother tell me this info. I want to be in good relationship and I doní»t see it with a Haitian guy and I doní»t want one with a Haitian man. I feel that I have done a lot with my life and have more to experience and I want guy who is on the same caliber as me. I want to be able to talk to him about anything and for him to keep up with most of it. I want a marriage of equals not bound to customs, culture, and traditional. I am not really traditional person.
Anyway, my relationship with my mother is very poor. I want very little of her presence in my life and she fails to listen and sometimes I have to be very harsh and blunt but it still does not work. We only talk through email. And I think that I am going to cut/reduce that means of communication. Even her emails feel very controlling. Sometimes I just have to tell her off because the angry stays inside of me and just build up and I hate that because it consumes me instead directing it towards the right direction. I doní»t speak to my father ever since he threatened me after I confronted him about sexually abusing me. And I am fine with that but sometimes I feel guilty that he lost a daughter. I didní»t invite him to my college graduation and I feel kind of bad for him because despite everything he really pushed education onto me. And he believed that I was smart enough to do it. I know he made some sacrifices and did his best but I doní»t care to have him in my life because of the past. AND two I feel guilty that I told on him and reveal the secret and there are parts of me that are not sure I am right because I have some suppressed memories. I doní»t know if I can face him after what I have done to his life by telling my mom and younger brother about the abuse. However, I am annoyed that he tells me to forgive him instead of asking me and making these threats about my and God's relationship because I wont talk to him or see him. So I just cut him off completely. I doní»t know when I will let him back, if ever. My relationship with my younger brother is minimal because he doesn't get it. He doesní»t support me in my photography and wants me to reconcile with my father. He said my father was the only person that he could count on and the same goes for me. Basically, he is saying despite what happened, dad is the best that I have to depend on in life. And for me, I cannot and do not believe that. My relationships with my cousins are somewhat distant because we are going in different directions. Some are fine with not finding their healing , others are ok but not advancing themselves or following their dreams and one I cannot trust. But I am ok with that because relationships change. Last year, I lost a best friend who did not even give me a reason for ending the friendship. Parts of me wants a reason for her decision but the other knows that I have to continuously let go because it is better to not give the situation more power than it requires.
I worry that I may lose more friendships as I continue to follow my dreams of traveling around the world. I am not sure what to expect when I return. I know things woní»t be the same but I doní»t know if we will be able to pick up from where we started. I guess that I am afraid to lose them because it is so hard for me to make friends. I haven't been able to make any connections since I have been in Korea. And it has always been like that for me. I wonder if I am too fat, too smelly, or just too broken to make any more lasting friendships. I feel grateful for some of the friends that I have because I am not sure if I will ever have better. And then I always have this big secret hanging over me that I was abused and I doní»t want to have to recant that every time I am with someone. But I do feel like that it is a part of me, a big part of me. It is the part of me that separates me from everyone else. I know logically it is something that happened to me not who I am or part of me. But I doní»t feel like so. I want more good friends and social network in my life and to be able to just hangout with people without any or very minimal hang-ups. I rarely feel natural around people. I am trying to reach out so I doní»t become isolated and then depress and then suicidal. But I am not sure what to expect for this year. I am hoping for the best but expecting the worst, sadly. As each day passes without me making a real friend, I just feel more and more as hopeless case when it comes to making friends and being social. And it does not help that I am living in a small rural own in Korea. But I am trying. I doní»t want to try too hard but I doní»t want to sit back and do nothing. None of these relationships that I am trying form here feels organic. And I just feel decelerate and needy as I try to reach out to people and I doní»t think that is good for any relationship.
Career- I give myself a 5. I want to become a film-maker, designer, photographer, journalist, and writer, do some dancing and acting and own a media production company. I also want to start an online magazine for women of color around the world. This summer I made short documentary as part of a summer journalism program and I made portfolio of my photos. But since Dec., I haven't been taking pictures on a regular basis. I guess I am scared that I am not talented enough. And I am not sure if I want to invest so much time and energy to something that may not workout and that I could fail. But I have committed to creating a darkroom in my apartment and creating a visual diary of my work. But there are days that I worry that I am not doing enough to make it. And I wonder what I am doing here in Korea. And will this one day advance me to the next level? How do I make the most out of this opportunity since I don't plan to teach forever? But I try to break this experience down as a learning one to help me learn about life so that I can take it to my future career.
Joy, I have to say is about 3. In some ways it goes up and in other ways it goes down. I get some joy teaching and being around my students. I feel lighter being around the children. But when I am at home all by myself for long periods of time, I do get lonely and wonder why I can't make friends. And why I am failing to make the best out of this opportunity. I am just so scared to really and completely put myself out there. And I am struggling to get my life organized. But I try to take it one day at time and to get something done. And then sometime family issues, I allow to get in the way of my joy. So I am not joyful but more moody. And I am experience depression/ sadness more than joy.
Spirituality, I give a 6. I am becoming more aware of í░God" and myself as a spirit in different and deeper ways. And I like that but there is more room for improvement. I still have some things that I need to forgive myself, God, and my perpetrators for. I need more forgiveness in my life and the room to allow myself to feel my feelings out instead of suppressing them. I know that God can handle them but I am not sure that can sometimes. However, I can say after everything that I do feel stronger and more invincible. I am teetering between sitting back and watching life pass by or jumping into following my dreams passions. I want to give my dreams and passions names and not fear those desires anymore because it is starting to dawn me that I may be able to trust this God, this higher power. And perhaps, He is the one that put all, most or even some of these desires and passions within my heart and soul. But I am scared to do so and hold back because I doní»t think this is perfect or even great timing because my life is a mess to me. It is so disorganized and I doní»t have real support system here yet so I worry about taking such a risk while life is still in transition and very disorganized. I guess I really want someone there besides God for the ride even though only I can do this walk even if I have help. But I do know after my horrible year that GOD will make miracles happen and help me get to the next step through other people. But right now in Korea, I doní»t see those people yet in my life and after having such a bad year last year I realize how important those kinds of people and relationships are.
Love, I give a three. I have a handful of people who I know really love me, support me, and hope for the best for me and accept me for me. But I think that biggest problem is that I have hard time accepting God's love and loving myself. I doní»t give myself what I need such as love, compassion, forgiveness, and my full attention. And I doní»t where to start because I always feel like I FAIL AT THIS. I get so caught up about what people think instead of honoring me and loving me. I also compare myself way too much to other people.
Life, I give myself a 6 because I am taking some risks. And I know that I am growing and involving. And that I have not given up on myself and I don't plan to. And I still have this desire to live, to really live and that is good. I still think that life is beautiful. I just don't think I make the most of it. And if I were to do so then I would be at an eight. I am not sure what to do with this beautiful gift called life and that worries and bothers me the most.
I am most passionate about traveling and learning from other people their stories. And I love to use visual imagery such as film and photography, especially photography. But I don't know what it means to be and feel passionate really. Do those things that listed have given me some glimpses but I doní»t know really because I always try to be very reserved and reclusive/ I like live inside of myself and shut off so many these feelings are very new to me so it is hard for me figure it out and discern them. But I also love music, color and design. I big on aesthics and the arts. They give me life and breath of fresh air. They get my blood running but I am not sure what that means for my life and career.