Yesterday I told you that if the scale didn't show less tonnage today, out it would go.
After weighing in, I have given the scale a reprieve. I am down nearly 2 pounds,
, and am feeling smug about that.
Why SMUG? That is certainly a question, isn't it. Why not Proud, or Joyful, or Giddy?
Smug is not my favorite emotion. It seems cheap and arrogant, which for me, IS cheap and arrogant. It is also snotty.
To be Smug, one has to feel superior. Am I feeling superior to my SCALE? Taking a few minutes to reflect, I find that, YES, I am being smug to my scale.
So how MATURE do I feel with this revelation? Actually, it is a bit embarrassing.
According to the Oxford American Dictionary, "smug" is defined as being self-satisfied. MY definition is self-satisfied with ego attached. And there-in lies the danger.
I can do wonderous things with my smugness. I can be superior to others (Ms. Smarmy). I can "rightfully" punish people just to prove my superiority, and get the sick satisfaction that they are being punished by me.
Whenever I do this, I always wind up making things much worse. After a while, the smugness and ego begin to take a toll.
I begin to take the scales off my eyes and see the damage I am causing, just to prove a point. I see that I have hurt the other person (right back atcha!), and have hurt myself equally.
I don't think smugness is a two way street. I think it is a dark ally leading to a burning crash into a brick wall.
Upon reflection, I can clearly see where the smugness, many times, has led to unrepairable endings. Endings of relationships, jobs, friends, and lovers. Ending of marriages, ending of peace. Ending of communication due to smug words being said, words that can never be taken back by a simple apology. Smugness leads to ruination of its entire surroundings.
I have, too many times, "stuck to my guns" instead of dropping the ego and need for retribution. Sure, I may have felt retributed for a while, but when sanity returns, my retribution always turned into regret. Regret that most times, cannot be recalled or repaired. The shattered glass lies on the floor, never to be whole again.
I heard a friend say yesterday that "You can't play tennis by yourself". At first I thought that was very clever. Then I started to really concentrate on it. It is a very impactful meaning. Let me explain.
I have been in situations where there has been harsh words said, or some behavior that shouldn't have happened. The "offender" apologized, but I didn't forgive. Oh no. I was too engrossed in continuing the victim role and the need to punish. In other words, too smug. I exercised my snugness and ego, which is always the role of the victim, and punished long after the event or circumstance.
I have proudly held on to grievances, all due to ego, no matter the destruction I was causing.
I totally destroyed the relationship. I was the biggest loser. I was the one left alone, holding only my tattered Victim banner, rather than the hand of a friend or lover. Let me tell you, holding a banner does not even come close to holding the hand of another!
Smugness can bring on a soul-eating loneliness. I know. Been there, done that.
Right now, right here, this very minute, I am changing my emotion FROM smug (self satisfied) TO self appreciated. I will be kinder today than yesterday, I will speak softer today than yesterday, and I will smile more than yesterday.
I will be more gentle, more forgiving, and more supportive. I will be more encouraging, and I will find something to play with.
I will remember those who have given so much to improve my life, and I will be grateful.
I will keep in mind that I am not "ALL THAT".
Today I will keep in mind that I am where I am on this journey because of all the others who have stepped on and off my path, being there at exactly the right time.
I will remember those who have packed my parachute!