Sunday, August 23, 2009
Everyone on Sparkpeople that know, thaI have served 17 years in the US Army. But to keep it real, I am a perfectionist. I used to think there was something wrong with others, but after being diagnosed with Tuberculosis 2 years ago. I realized I had seriously high expectations on myself and others.
You see, I have never weighed over 130lbs in my life until contracting TB while in Iraq. I had to take 5 different types of meds (3 x a day), just for the TB alone. I went from a sz 6/8 to a sz 14 in the past year. The doctor and I agree its' from the meds. But I was in denial. I had never been a sz 14 in my life at 5'8 and weighing 201 lbs. It took me a while to mentally except, yeah it may be the medication, but how long is that gonna be your excuse for not doing a darn thing. I was ashamed, because everyone who has known me for the past 17 years in the Army, couldn't understand what and how it happened.
I could out run most guys, placed 2nd place as soldier of the in the Army while at FT Bragg, NC. Then 6 months ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I did not realize it stemmed from being sexually assaulted while in Iraq. They have diagnosed it as severe and permanent PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
When I joined Sparkpeople, no one but the doctors, knew about what happen over there, not even my husband. And he has not been supported, but that is okay! Because GOD has done a lot of work on me in the past three months. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. But sirens and other things still scares, but that is okay too!
GOD has taught me, that I am somebody, and he loves just as I am. Today, I am not ashamed anymore. But I have embraced that doesn't have to be me forever. And that's a good thing.
I am learning what peace is for first time in life, and I am so happy. I don't care what others think about me anymore. I used need their validation of me. But I am standing on my own self-worth and knowing, that I am beautiful, and it feels so damn good. Just to be happy, for no reason at all. Be bold, Be beautiful, Be free.