Judgementalism, Sanity and Humanity
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I read a blog by Bizeemomto3, and she talks about realizing she is judgemental. She is NOT!
How do I know this? Because not only is she a Bizeemomto3, but she is also my famous Bossy Daughter.
I have known her all her life, and while she has no problem bossing me around, she is not judgemental. Honestly, she is the kindest, most caring person I have ever known. She has always been that way.
When she was about 5, she got a doll whose hair "grew" from Santa. She really wanted that doll for a long time. Its' name was Beautiful Crissy. Anybody remember them? Well, anyway, Bossy Daughter loved that doll, and even cried when she saw Santa had given one to her.
All Christmas morning, there she was, combing Beautiful Crissy's hair and changing the doll's clothing. Just filled with happiness. It was a real heart warming thing to watch.
Then she went down the street to see what Corinna got from Santa. Corinna loved Beautiful Crissy, too, but Santa didn't leave one for her. She cried and threw a fit until BD gave in and traded her much loved dolly for a yo-yo, just to make Corinna stop crying and stop being mad at her.
Home she came, with a very sad look on her little face, and showed me the yo-yo. It didn't take me long to get on the phone and straighten things up with Corinna's mother, who told me I was being judgemental, and should let the kids decide which toys they wanted.
I didn't take kindly to that response, and let her know where she could put her idea of me being judgemental! We donned our coats and went down and brought Beautiful Crissy home.
Bossy Daughter's biggest problem has always been that she places the comfort, well being, safety and happiness of others ahead of her own. Her heart pours out to mankind. Much more than most people's, and certainly, much more than mine does.
I have had friends who had the nasty habit of telling me what I think and what I feel before asking me. I have been told that they "Just KNEW I wouldn't approve", so they didn't tell me things they were doing with their lives.
Now I readily admit, most of the time when I hear that, the speaker is right. If asked, I probably wouldn't approve of what they were planning on doing, if I thought it was unhealthy or unsafe for them. And I would have told them so, too. I don't like to see my friends or loved ones sabotage themselves.
So, if that is being judgemental, so be it. I don't apologize for that.
I admit to getting annoyed when they tell me what I think and feel, and I feel judged by them when they do so. I feel taken for granted and mistreated. I feel anger.
Yes, yes, I have been judgemental in other areas of my life where I should not have been so. I have had racial prejudices, sexual preference judgementalism, class distinction, education envy, and I have judged prettier girls than me as being "stuck up and conceited" without even knowing them. I have been critical of others lifestyles with no investigation. Yes, I admit to all of those, and do not find myself in a favorable light because of it.
Last night my DH and I watched the movie "Soloist". Or maybe the title was "The Solo". It is a fairly new movie with Jamie Farr playing one of the lead roles as a genius schizophrenic musician, a "street" person who is discovered by a journalist, based on a true story. I highly recommend it to all. While being a very moving story, it is an exercise in unspoken judgementalism.
It is so easy to see the homeless as being lazy, dirty and shiftless. It is more comfortable to avoid eye contact and just hurry on by, than to stop and ask what I can do to help them. How easily it comes to mind, and too often to MOUTH, that "if they would just get a job!!" It is more comfortable to avoid any contact or getting too close because they are not clean, and do not smell good.
During my more "saintly" times, I have bought and handed out certificates for food at McDonald's or the other fast food places. I have even given them paper money, instead of just pushing past and say "I don't have any money" (when I really DO have some; I am just too stingy and self righteous to give them any).
None of these things make me proud. When I dwell on them, I feel small and guilty. I feel shame. I am very uncomfortable in my own skin.
I need to be reminded I am only a human being, and I am only being human.
But what about those times when we do judge that the actions our friends or loved ones are making will most certainly bring them harm or damage or danger? Shall we then become sanctimonious and not say anything for fear of sounding judgemental? Isn't that being parsimonious with our loved ones, depriving them of a different point of view or the knowledge of our caring about them?
Shall we all begin to now hide behind the political correctness of judgementalism? Shall we begin to be silent observers to our fellow man in order to stave off judgement? Shall we become so shallow that we sit idly by while watching a loved one become destroyed in order that we do not get blamed? Shall we become so apathetic that the simple kindness of caring about one another becomes obsolete?
NO, I shout! While I may be wrong with my judgements at times, I will not squander it away so that I will be held blameless.
Judging takes observance, interest and caring. One can choose which way to exercise it, for good, or for evil.
As for those who "know" what I am thinking, I have news for you. You cannot possibly know what is going on in my head unless I tell you.
I have a whole committee in there, and usually about 45 different topics of interest going on all at the same time. Each topic has its own priority, space and voice. It depends on which is the loudest as to which gets my attention at any given moment.
If I told you all that goes on in my head in the space of one minute, you would JUDGE me to be insane. Just as I would with you, if the tables were turned.
So I will continue my journey of life, judging as I go, and hopefully will not cause harm to others.
Judge me as you will, but don't tell me what I am thinking? I just might tell you!!