Thursday, August 20, 2009
Hello my fellow Sparkers,
I've stayed off the boards for a while now, because I am struggling to the point where I haven't felt I'd be a good contributor.
I've been on here since January, and have gained 5 pounds. That's right, gained. I've dabbled with lots of exercise, less exercise, lots of tracking, less tracking, paying attention to internal cues, trying not to binge at night, etc.
Problem is, with all of those efforts, my weight has pushed up from an all time high to an all time higher.
I'll be at a good 1500 calories, and then DS will have an hour long meltdown, there'll be tension between DH and me, other DS will retreat to his room, and I'll lose all resolve and eat not only any calorie reserve I had, but also cover the amount I exercised that day. And slowly but surely, the weight has gone up, up, up. I cannot express how disillusioned I am.
Plus, I am a nutrition teacher, so I know what there is to know. One thing I know for sure is it's not about the food. If it were only about knowing what foods to eat, there'd be one book out on it and we'd all be at goal. But Monday I have to stand up in front of my classes, a whole 10 lbs heavier than this time last year. And I have a colleague who is the non-diet guru, and there's some complicated stuff there.... I digress...
So there it is. I'm so disillusioned. I've had so many hopeful starts, so many almost successes... so many revelations (that I think at the time are "the key" that I was missing).
Plus, many of you know, I'm at dieting rock bottom. I can't diet anymore. It's not that I won't, it's that I just don't have it in me. I've been dieting since I was six.
I need help, but I don't even know what help to ask for. I'm embarrassed and bummed. i feel like all the sparkers have passed me by and I'm choking on their dust. And my shift button on here stinks so I keep having to go back over my i's and make them I's. :)
The same colleague is waiting for me to see the light and become Christian... just to make the dynamic even more interesting. I'm sure she feels that would fix me. But I seem to have the wrong temporal lobe for that.
I will say that I've been working hard to embrace my rounder body, even buying a bikini, yes a bikini, and wearing it to the public pool and even to a pool party. I'm frustrated with my body, but I need to give it the love and respect it deserves. I also need to walk the talk and believe that my body is beautiful, that I'm beautiful, as I go through this. It's a challenge, though.
I'm now 5'7" and 158 lbs. My "normal" weight is 142 to 145. When I started Spark I was 153 and just wanted to get down to 146.
Maybe it's a midlife crisis; I feel like crying most days, and some days I truly melt down. I have had a tough time in my marriage this year (nothing abusive, just trouble connecting), some tough times with the kids, furloughs out here in the state of California, etc. I somehow feel like the loss of control over my own body is the icing on the "I'm inadequate" cake.
This gal who's waiting for me to see the light of Christianity also feels my attempts to control my weight are a form of idolotry, or worshiping false idols. She likens it to spending thousands of dollars on shoes. That really ticked me off, to say the least. She, of course, is about 5'4" and 110 lbs, and has never had a day of weight struggle her whole life. Sadly, this is someone who had been a pretty close friend for a while there, and that is beginning to fizzle big time.
Thanks for listening. I wish I really believed in God (I'm agnostic), so I wouldn't feel like a hypocrite praying for some kind of guidance here. But it took me 35 years to admit how I really feel about all that, and I won't live the lie anymore.
Sigh, thanks for listening. I miss you guys, and I'm sorry I can't be a more positive, contributing Spark member.