First Blog... Whats crossing my mind...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
i have struggled with weight since i hit puberty. my doctor had never really said to much about it except lose weight. Now im struggling with the fact that i have PCOS. my fiance always tries to get me to talk to him about it but i always have a hard time because it is such a difficult thing for me and i always get emotional.
my weight constantly fluctuates around a 5 to 10 pound area. my grandmother is always the first one to say something and it always hurts more everytime. if i gain a little weight im too fat when i lose some weight i just look sickly. i cant ever win so that is part of my struggle too. i dont know if she realizes how much she hurts me but i dont think she seems to care either. she has always been like that though.
stress definately adds to why i weigh as much as i do. i was born under stressful situations and have grown up in it all. my father was constantly in and out of my life. i was molested as a child so i have no self esteem. in september of '08 my fiance had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a baseball
(him 3 days after the surgery) and now PCOS. it just really never ends.
i think the most difficult part of this whole thing so that i find it easier to throw my hands up and say i give up. if i do that then i risk never being able to have a baby. sometimes i get to a point where i just dont care. and then i take my beautiful little neice
for a weekend and then i get overly hopeful that i can get past this.
so here i go on my long journey...