Monday, August 17, 2009
Okay, so the journey with SP has been both liberating and painful. Forced to peel off my denial about my eating habits and weight, take off my "skinny glasses" I've had on for, like, 15 years, I am starting to see myself as I really am.
To FEEL myself as I really am.
And I'm FAT. I FEEL the fat: on my legs and butt, weighing me down, down, down. In my middle and around my arms. I used to think I wasn't very fat, but this isn't true. I can pinch quite a bit nearly everywhere. Carrying it "well" doesn't mean it isn't there. It's almost when I look in the mirror, I can see the strong lines of my skinny self under my layer. I can see the excellence just waiting to bust out. She's begging me to work and set her free.
Now, this sounds alarmingly like me totally dumping on myself. I mentioned this extreme new awareness to my husband, who became dismayed. He thought I was developing a bad self-image. But this isn't true! This isn't unproductive self-loathing. The "skinny glasses" are what's unproductive. They are a lie, enabling me to continue my unhealthy habits, call myself "big boned" and stay fat.
I firmly believe this is a necessary step. It's something I've never done before. I've DONE the self-loathing, believe you me! And this ain't it. It's just the truth. And it's different emotions than with the loathing: instead of hopelessness, I feel HOPE. Instead of despair, I see POSSIBILITIES. Instead of ugly, I see BEAUTIFUL, like a lump of clay that has yet to be molded into a lovely sculpture. And sculptures take time and careful precision to get right.
So, yes, I'm feeling FAT right now. But that's fine.