Thursday, August 03, 2006
I have to admit it, I dont really have that many friends and its not because I'm not a good person, its because I alienate myself because I dont really feel that good about myself. I've also been told that I'm a better listener than a talker. I was raised that way, have you ever heard the expression "speak when you're spoken to??" so I have a hard time communicating with people.
I really want to have more friends that I can just call up sometimes and say you know this is how my day was, how bout yours?? Someone who I can vent to about anything and they wont judge me or critisize me. But I dont even have that one simple luxury.
I feel sooo lonely sometimes and I dont know why people stay away from me, they just do. Its like I have a sign on my back that says dont be friends with me or something. You know???
Its written on here that we all have buddies, but not all of us have best friends that you can trust and tell your deepest darkest secrets. I know there are people out there like me who are just as unhappy as I am, but its so hard to tell other people about it, you know??
Another deterent in this situation is that I am a single mother of a 4 year old. I love my daughter to pieces...just wanted everyone to know that...but sometimes I cant help but wonder what it would be like if I never got pregnant with her?? Where would I be?? I ended my relationship with my daughter's father 2 years ago in september. I ended the relationship because it was just too self destructive. He made me feel like I was a piece of dirt on the bottome of his shoe. We were together for 7 years (since I was 16 years old). I have come to realize that I have little or no self-esteem.
Anyway, since my ex and I parted ways our "mutual friends" (that I had with my ex) and I have grown apart. They are still friends with my ex which makes it a little hard to do things with them. Not to mention the rumors that they started when I finally called it quits with my ex. This caused me to realize that they weren't really my friends in the first place. Its a bit disheartening to find out that the people that you thought were your friends for 7 years turned out to not really be your friends at all. I have come to terms with this though and am ready to move on.....I think.
So now I ask how does a person with no friends come to find "true friends"??? I know that some of you are going to think that this is a stupid question like you just go out and get them, duh. But its not really that easy.
Anyone??? Any advice that you can give is helpful. thanks!!