Sunday, July 19, 2009
Here's my ramble. I've been feeling so depressed the last few days. I'd had that 12 day binge free streak, and followed it with about as many days binge-ful. My weight has pushed up again, and although I fight it, I feel that old shame. Shame doesn't help anyone, I know, right?
The last 2 days, I've said, okay, time to quit the bingeing again, let's get back on track. Aaand, I've failed. And felt more depressed, embarrassed, etc.
Then I came on here and started reading your blogs. Do you know I've been avoiding coming on here because, I don't know, maybe I've felt unworthy on some level. Yuck... seriously, it defies reason.
At any rate, reading the blogs helps. And I know what's fueling my overeating, but I haven't wanted to blog about it because it's the same old stuff. Distance from a loved one or two, an upcoming visit to a relative who has historically judged me by my weight (who can blame 'em, I do it to myself, right?), a very real possiblility that this furlough vote won't pass and my job may be cut back or go away entirely. The list goes on. My son wants to swim all the time now, and I'm so tired of being fat in a swimsuit. On the other hand, I'm trying to do the old body love thing and that's a constant struggle.
I'd envisioned this summer as a healthy one, with lots of activity. Instead, I've felt like I've been on autopilot. I want to get out of this rut.
I did the twelve days before, I can get back on it. At some point, this will start to come together. Maybe I'll be working on it for years, but at some point, it's got to get better.
I envy those who jumped on here and lost the weight and have kept it all off. I'm ashamed on some level that I haven't been able to do that. Up til the last couple of years, every time I had weight creep on, I've been able to journal and take it off in a few weeks. Not this time.
Going out of town today to see an old friend, and feel really stressed to let her see how much weight I've put on. Seriously, why do I care about this?
So I'm going back to read more blogs before that happens. I've just got to get back on track somehow.