It's been almost a year that I started on this journey of changing my life. One year ago, I was weighing 102 kg, I was completely sedentary, I was miserable, an overeater with no way of controlling myself and bitterly unhappy.
It started with a photo that my sister took of me walking on the beach. I realised I had to do something - I had had success with a diet prior to my son's birth 10 years ago and found a Doctor that facilitated the program - Gerda. On the 31st of July and visited her and the next day started a very difficult road on the Slender Wonder program. It was painful, and I stuck to it for 24 days before my first binge.
I did manage to loose 16kg with the Slender Wonder program over a 3 month period, but then decided to go on my own because I was confident that I could. And I did. I also decided in December to embark on a fitness program and started running 3 to 5 times a week.
I lost a further 8kg over the next 4 months. The running bug had bit and I absolutely love my runs. I have built up my distance over the past 7 months to 7km. I run 4 times a week and average around 25km.
So it all sound like a success story, and yes, I suppose to a certain extent it is. But I am not happy. Since December 2008 I have lost only 4 kg. I have realised that exercise does not make you loose weight. It still comes down to what you put in your mouth. The exercise activity has naturally increased my appetite and I definitely tend to eat way more than when I was dieting. The really difficult part for me is that I have fallen into the habit of being strict during the week and then have full on blow-out binges on the weekend - and although there may be nothing wrong with this because I have managed to maintain my weight loss, it would only be appropriate when I am at my goal weight of 65kg.
The disturbing part for me is the sugar cravings that have turned into sugar dependency - I eat sweets and chocolates almost everyday - I simply can not control the urge. Then comes the guilt and the associated self-hate - I have probably lost a total of 20kg over the past few months just yo-yoing between 78 and 80 kg. It seems like such a waste of time, energy and frustration. I don't know where to go from here or how to change it. I feel like I have reached the insanity hamster wheel - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Dealing with the raging PMS makes 2 to 3 weeks of the month almost unbearable - both from an emotional point of view and from a constant physical craving perspective. I don't know how to break the cycle and have made a decision to seek medical advise and maybe go on a mild anti-depressant - which I am absolutely loathed to do, but what choice do I have?
I have also decided to go back to Gerda and go back on the Slender Wonder program for a month or so to shift the last 13kg. I am not looking forward to that as the program is extremely restrictive and I am worried about having enough energy to still do my running. The important part is that the Slender Wonder program yields quick results. I have already proved that I can maintain the weight, I just need to kick start the last few kg's that are making me still overweight and at an unhealthy BMI.
That's why Gerda is there I suppose - but she has little to no sympathy for cheating. I guess my fear is a fear of failure.
I have also decided to join the gym to start varying my exercise routine with swimming and using some of the weight training equipment. Also, it being winter and the sun setting early, I sometimes run out of daylight to run - I can do this on the treadmill at the gym.
I feel incredibly alone in this personal battle - don't really feel that I can discuss it with anyone that will understand. Part of me has a sense of pride that I cannot admit my weaknesses or fears - or failures for that matter. I remain highly sensitive to any comments or insinuations that I have picked up weight or people saying you've lost even more weight - I know the truth and the truth is that I am still trapped - I have been liberated to a point, but deep down inside I am still the overeater - the person without self discipline. The person who makes excuses for herself to continually over indulge. The person that cannot say no to a stupid little craving for something sweet. I suck!
Any words of inspiration or motivation will be welcome - that is of course assuming that anyone takes the time out to even read this post. Yup, I'm feeling very, very sorry for myself.