Monday, June 22, 2009
I am calling this an accountability journal instead of a diet blog because I NEED some accountability and this way it won't be another food thing to obsess about. Not that I won't be mostly writing about food and the journey but obviously there is more going on here than more calories in than out. This is a head game as much as an ass game so I guess I better include work on my brain as well as my stomach!
Here is a list that has been rolling around in my head for quite some time-
People who's fault it is NOT that I am so fat!!
1-My husband-He is the easiest to blame for many reasons. He is closest so it's convenient. He likes to make fat jokes at my expense-don't hate him-so I've let him erode my self esteem. He is obsessed with his own weight and the need to lose 30 or so pounds yet he hates anything that's healthy to eat and loves ice cream, mexican food and pizza. He truly believes that it is 1952 America and that despite the fact that I work full time-make a good amount of money and am starting a consulting business-that all things domestic are my responsibility. The kids, the house, the laundry and even some of the decorative yard work. I am often filled with anger and resentment and I have used this as an excuse to eat whatever I want to soothe myself. He doesn't believe in compliments-he thinks people who need them are weak and that people who give them are phony. This is a tough one because I am needy and I need some positive reinforcement. But I am recognizing that and trying to work on taking better care of myself and giving myself positive reinforcement.
He does have really good qualities that I need and that help establish much needed security so that I can focus on taking care of myself. He is a good father-he is here all the time. He loves our family and he provides for us in many ways. He genuinely loves me and once I make him understand what I need he tries very hard to change to make things better for me. Old dog-new tricks....and if there is one thing that I know without questions it is that given enough time my husband ALWAYS does the right thing. Also-he is a great conservative Republican who can name all of the Supreme Court judges and the President that they were appointed by. SMART is SEXY!!!!
2-My children. OK I know they aren't in any way responsible for nor do they contribute to my giant ass but I have used the "overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted mother of 2 toddlers" excuse very well for the last nearly 4 years. I don't get enough sleep because they don't sleep through the night consistently. I get crazy stressed at meal times and put anything I can get in my hands in my mouth. They don't like salad and vegetables so I must buy cookies and ice cream. I am too busy taking care of them and their needs to exercise or take care of myself. See where this is going? My children are the most beautiful, joyful, splendid blessings from God who remind me each and every second of the day what I am on this earth for-to be their mother. They bring me a sense of joy and love that I never even imagined before they were born. They are also a great reason to get my big ass in shape. I really don't want to be the FAT MOM once they are old enough to notice-and that day is getting perilously close!!!
3-My parents. This could be a book in itself but I will try to abbreviate. Divorced when I was 2-never spent much time with my dad. Mom drank and medicated through the majority of my early years. Her medication ranged from Johnny Walker Red to prescription tranquilizers to steak and beef stroganoff. Many days a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was the very best thing that happened to me. This is likely where I learned to use food for joy-a new box of cereal was a great reason to get out of bed and get ready for school. I was overweight by the time I was 5 years old and never ever have I been in a normal weight range since then.
We spent a lot of very happy time with my mothers parents who always had lots of yummys and who's house was very safe and happy. Also-used food there for joy and stability. Lesson from my mom reinforced over and over. Once I was about 7 or 8 my grandmother started worrying about my weight and soon when I was at their house instead of being the safe food carnival it had always been-it was diet camp. She monitored my food and arranged for exercise. In hindsight I am sure she was doing what she thought was best but I think it might have added to some of my food issues. When I was 9 one of my sisters and I moved in with my dad and his wife and they really were the diet Nazis. Also-doing what they thought was the right thing at the time I am sure but DAMN-I felt like a fat smelly little freak at their house. I would go to my mothers on the weekends and eat thousands of calories of CRAP while she drank and passed out. Mom meant unconditional love and that meant letting me eat whatever I wanted to. Dad's house meant rules and restrictions and making me eat healthy food and do something aside from watching TV. Ok-so these issues and their root causes are out on the table and in this blog. I am almost 42 years old with children of my own-I can not continue to be controlled by a bowl of ice cream or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!!! NO ONE is putting the spoon in my hand. NO ONE buys the groceries but me!!! NO ONE orders for me at restaurants!!!! This is my history, my story and alot of the things about me that I love the most I got from both of my parents and my grandparent's. (By the way and for the record-Granddaddy was perfect and in no way should be implicated in this rant!!!!)
SOOOOOOO-as any good addict does, I have been BLAMING anyone and everyone but me for my food issues and DENYING responsibility too. If I don't take responsibility now then I will die a fat bitter woman and worse I will teach my children to do the same. If I make one change on this new journey and it sticks-taking responsibility for my fat and my role in getting it here could well be the one that gets rid of it!!!