Sunday, June 21, 2009
in april, i started feeling depressed. i figured it was a stress from school thing. now in june, i still feel the same. even worse. there are days that i can barely get myself out of bed. my moods change so quickly. there are times when i think i'm fine and making this all up in my head and others when i know that i need help.
i hate that i always talk down to myself but i feel like i know no other way. i wanted to get into shape this summer but i'll get into a groove of working out and eating better then people visit or i go somewhere etc etc. then my plan goes down hill. because we go out to dinner and then drink. by then, i feel like my fitness and dietary achievements are going down the tube. it slows my motivation and makes the body i want seem further away.
sometimes i feel like the body i want is completely out of reach. because i never looked that way. i can't even imagine that i could. last time i was on this journey it was exciting to see my body start to change. however, i can't seem to find the same motivation now. i feel trapped and stuck in this body and the way i deal with it is over eating, never saying no to food even when i'm not hungry, and not eating healthy things.
it bothers me that i feel like i am continously beginning again and dont stay consistant with working out. i'm negative too. as you can tell.
i've been trying to tell myself i can do this everday. when i'm on the tredmill at the gym i look at myself and think and tell myself i can do this but when i'm not there. i loose it. i wish it wasn't this hard. so many people are so successful on here and i want that to be me.