Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I am the queen of excuses. Like, I did not get up early today because I was trying to get my 3 year old to go back to bed. I did not prepare my lunch for the day because I did not get up early enough. I did not go for a walk at lunch, because I could not decide what needed to be done (bills paid, go to bank, go to target, go to county recorder, etc.), so I just got lunch and sat and read a magazine. At least it was a fitness magazine.
I am in such a funk! I know that they say that you have to be "ready" to lose the weight. How do you know you are ready? I know in my heart I want to lose the weight. I want to play with my kids. I want to increase my love life. I want to feel wanted by my husband. I want to be the fit person who can wear anything. However, I also think a lot of things have to do with my self-esteem.
I think I am a good person and I am outgoing. However, I feel that if I do this or that, I will be happier. However, it never seems to last. I am a compulsive buyer for just that shot of excitement that quickly wears off. I feel that if I get all the tools to work out, there is no excuse. No, there is no excuse, I just choose not to follow through. Maybe I am lazy. Okay, I am not lazy, but I could be doing more. I work full time, I have two kids under the age of 3 1/2. I am married. I have two dogs and a cat and a swimming pool. So, I am busy, but am I doing my priorities in the right order? Depends on who you ask. you ask me, I say yes, after all I am doing what I am doing, aren't I. Are they in the right order, probably not. Could I do things more efficient, probably. Is there anything stopping me, no not really.
I feel like next to my husband who is a type a personality and always on the go and has to do xyz right now, why wait, I am downright lazy and useless. He feels compelled to make "suggestions" as to what I should be doing. For example, did you know that if he tells the kids to tell mommy to do something, I will get it done faster. What the heck. I know when my kids need a bath or need their diapers changed. I don't need to be told to do it because it happens to be his thought at the moment.
I could be busier at work, but my bosses don't get me a whole lot to do. I make good money, but am definately not "earning" it. Do I go and ask for something to do? Nope, just sit here and type this message and surf the net. Who wouldn't kill for a job like that? However, it is not very fufilling and it does contribute to my lack of motivation after work and my ever increasing measurements.
I was doing well in the workout department until the middle of April of this year. I lost about 20 pounds and was looking better and well on my way. Then on April 14th, my life changed. My mother was hospitalized and diagnosed with Lung Cancer. Also at that point in time, my husband was out of town, my other felt it was best to stay with her mother out of town and I had my two kids. So, here I am with no daycare (mom took care of them two days a week), I am an only child and I have to be there for my mom. I managed to get through from Friday to Tuesday, when my mom had a problem during a procedure and ended up in the ICU. I came unglued. It had always been just me and my mom. Sure I had friends and my husband. But it was my mom who was there for me for everything. She was my rock. I felt that I could do without everyone else as long as I had her. Fast foward three weeks later, she is gone. No warning, no chance to prepare, she is gone. Now, I have all my normal responsibilities, but add to that taking care of my mom's things and dealing with all that goes with those responsibilities, a house, bills, goods, etc. I have no me time. I feel guilty saying, I need a break. Afterall, who doesn't? My husband does not understand needing a break. I value my me time. My mom always helped me in that sense when he did not.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I would be lost without them. But, I am lost without me. I don't do the things I want to do anymore. I am tired all the time. The scale is creeping up. I feel sorry for my sitaution all the time, when I know there are others out there that are faring far worse than I.
So, what will it take to motiviate me and help me accomplish what I need to do for me? I have no idea. I need a shrink. But I feel like, so what if I change, the world around hasn't so the problems and issues are still there. Doesn't it take two to make a change? I can't do it all on my own.
I am terrified of being on my own. However, i am not strong enough to contribute and make it so someone else wants to be me and help me.
So, a no win situation. There has to be a way.
Well, this is so long.... I feel a little better, but I know there is still more... Another day, another time.