Saturday, June 20, 2009
I've quit trying to lose weight (not out loud, but in my actions). At first I thought it was because I was discouraged, but I had been really successful so that didn't quite fit. Then I realized, I'm sabotaging myself...the weight loss has become an emotional thing at this point. Now Why am I sabotaging?
I think having seen all the weight that's been coming off, I think it's hitting an emotional nerve where I am subconsciously sabotaging myself. Why though?
Well, I think being fat allows you to keep others at arms length. You can handle rejection and relationship disappointments, because there's always a fall back excuse....I"m fat. I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense, but here it is. When you gain a lo of weight, I think I was saying to the world, I don't like me, I don't respect me, so you shouldn't either and that was how I kept myself from being hurt.
Reason #1 for Sabotage:
To keep myself from being hurt emotionally
I've been fat for such a long time now, I forgot how to be skinny and it's scary. Let's face it, when I lose all the weight I'll have a new body. And a new anything can be scary. It's easy to bet fat because I know what to expect of it. It's scary to push further and become skinny because what if my life changes? Relationships? etc?
If I were skinny, I could......
Oh crap, if I get skinny there's no excuses because it would eliminate excuses. It would prove that I really COULD do anything, which is really scary because...all my life, I've wanted to succeed and had dreams but always failed because I didn't believe in myself. If I lose the weight, it's proof that I could do what I set my mind too and then I'd be held to a higher standard which scares me because then I could fail.
I'm really afraid of failure, so I quit when it gets rough (generally) and then I don't "fail" or "disappoint" Even though that's obviously not true.
Reason #4 It's too dang hard and takes too dang long! lol