Why can't I believe that I deserve it?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
WARNING: Long and rambling blog post. Read at your own risk.
Sometimes I wish I could just pound my brain into submission. I know certain things are true, yet my brain just WILL NOT believe it. The big one being - I deserve a good life.
It's so ironic, being that I'm a yoga teacher who spends many hours studying, meditating and espousing the philosophy that we are already divine beings, who deserve a life filled with compassion, understanding and love. And I do believe this for everyone - except for me. ARGH!
It's why I constantly say "yes" to plans, to working late, to skipping things I'd been looking forward to in favor of what someone else wants to do, when I'd rather be saying "no." But somehow I think that if I say "no," then I'll lose my friend, job, whatever. I'm always setting the example that other people and their WANTS are more important than my own.
In investigating why I have this reflexive reaction, I realized that it stems from my experiences from about mid-college going forward.
I had some pretty selfish "friends" and roommates who would fly into a rage or not speak to me or move out when I was gone for an afternoon simply because they didn't enjoy or understand the different direction my life was going in, because we were no longer united in everything we did or liked or wanted. And because these reactions were so out of left field and so intense, I lived for years on eggshells, never knowing what would set someone off. And now I can't seem to relax and be myself around anyone - I'm too afraid that they will make fun of me, dislike me, or leave. It's like I'm scared to death of being seen as "selfish." LOL, maybe I've been doing TOO MUCH yoga!
Those experiences were quickly followed by some pretty nasty work experiences. I had what I thought at the time was a great mentor, someone who had offered to take me under their wing and show me the ropes in the tough world of magazine publishing. Not wanting to be a dissapointment, I stepped up to the plate again and again when I was asked to work nights, and weekends, and stay until 4 AM the night before we went to press. After 4 years of giving up my life, missing family visits and events, stressing myself to the point of exhaustion and health issues, I was asked to take on yet another magazine. And when I said I just couldn't do it...just like my "friends" before, I got turned on. Told I wasn't a team player, that I was lazy. I suddenly wasn't part of the team anymore. And when I gave my 2 MONTHS notice (in consideration of them so they wouldn't be left in a lurch without another pair of hands), I got trampled on. And on my last day of work, my "mentor" sat me down to tell me I was a dissapointment, and told to leave.
With my trust broken over and over, I somehow managed to feel like it was always all my fault. After all, I was the common denominator. And now, here I am, wishing I could believe that I deserved all the things I want so badly: friends, trust, being thin, having a good job and a good life, happiness. Yet somehow, I just don't. In my little pea brain, somewhere in those far corners, I'm still convinced that becuase I am "bad" I do not deserve any of these good things. So I always settle for less.