I feel like I set myself up for the fall...
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
So I had a small binge episode tonight. I did manage to pull myself out of it before I did any real damage, which is a true sign of progress. As I look at my day today, I see that several small choices/influences came together, and I responded in my typical way -- stress eating! Here's what happened.
1. I am leaving town tomorrow to go attend and participate in a friend's wedding. I have 101 things to do and am feeling stressed.
2. I had to stay at work 3 hours late. More stress. I inhaled a Fiber One bar within seconds of my boss delivering this news.
3. I was trying to finish up a few random foods before leaving town, so I didn't really have lunch. I just had a few snacky things that did not leave me feeling satisfied.
4. Before I even got home from work, I decided that I needed a super quick dinner so I could get to packing. I felt I "deserved" a treat because it had been such a long day. So I brilliantly decided that I should have peanut butter and cool whip on a bagel. For dinner.
Now, all three of these foods are trigger foods for me. Why, oh why, would I think it was okay to eat trigger foods for dinner? This is a lesson I thought I had learned. I used to eat ice cream and cookies for dinner all the time. I thought calories were calories, and I didn't care where they came from. I have since learned that eating REAL food and REAL meals really helps me control my emotional eating.
So I ate my planned dinner treat, then promptly ate more, and some more. I ate 1,000 calories in less than 5 minutes. It was one of those frantic moments where I had to eat one bagel while the other was toasting because my need to eat was so intense that I could not wait one more minute.
But then, I stopped. I was sitting there on my kitchen floor with my spoon in the peanut butter jar, and I stopped. I thought about the great weekend I have coming up. I thought about how nice it would be to be able to have dessert and coffee with friends and not be feeling guilty about my binge earlier in the week. I thought about not having to worry about my bridesmaid's dress being to tight because I'm bloated. I thought about wanting to share pleasurable moments with people I love instead of sneaking and hiding and feeling guilty. So I stopped.
This is really big for me. I'm glad I'm getting on that plane tomorrow. There's nothing like a change of scenery to help me reset and get those pesky binge thoughts out of my head.