Monday, June 01, 2009
Pizza. The bane of my existence, yet how I love it so. The one food that combines two of my favorite things together; bread and cheese. Thank the heavens that pizza doesn't taste good with chocolate on it otherwise there would be big trouble. I guess it could be worse though. I could like pizza topped with lots of meats, but I don't. I am pretty much a plain jane when it comes to pizza I really love. Just give me cheese.. or extra cheese and mushrooms and I am happy. Although if I am in the mood a good BBQ chicken pizza is wonderful, as is a Hawaiian pizza. Everyone has their own comfort foods. Mac and Cheese is tasty, but I don't need it. My mom never made the homemade oven bake kind, so when I think of Mac and Cheese I think "the blue box" while the majority of people think the warm bubbly kind mom or grandma would bake in the oven. It's ok though, pizza and I get along fine. Which is the problem and where it gets me into trouble. I could eat plain cheese pizza every.. single.. day. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that great. Tired from Saturday's craziness, woke up feeling grumpy and just plain in an icky sad mood. I decided I wanted pizza. Well I haven't had it in quite awhile, so I made the decision to go and get a plain cheese pizza. Cue the emotional eating soundtrack. All of us emotional eaters know those thoughts and feelings. I needed comfort. I needed something to make my stomach feel full and my heart feel better. However I was also craving chocolate too, so not only did I go get a pizza on the way there I stopped and bought a candy bar and a bag of little tootsie rolls. Now I will say that getting the tootsie rolls was going to be part of a plan, just not yesterdays. Let me explain. See the other day my grandmother and I had dinner together at her house. I was full after dinner, but could have eaten dessert. However instead I took 1 small tootsie roll out of her candy dish. It amazingly hit the spot. Just enough chocolate to curb that craving, so I no longer wanted dessert. I though "wow, ok this will work next time I want something sweet and chocolaty, but don't need to eat dessert". What I didn't take into consideration though was any emotional eating. Last night I ended up eating 4 pieces of pizza, 1 candy bar and about 12 little tootsie rolls. I could have eaten the whole pizza and the candy bar and tootsie rolls, but I "controlled" myself. I didn't need the candy bar, I didn't need all the tootsie rolls, heck I really didn't need the 4th slice of pizza either; but I had it. Now while I am not proud of what happened... and neither was my stomach this morning; it hurt, I accept it. I haven't gone over the edge in 1 night in quite awhile, so ok. This is what happens with frienemies. Chocolate is also my frienemy and we have the same relationship as pizza and I do, yet chocolate is my sadly more accessible frienemy. They make me happy and sad. Full and yet still hungry. I know that I will always have this kind of relationship with them and it's very unlikely that it will change, so I have to except that. Sure there are still days I beat myself up about it. I look in the mirror at my jiggle and dimply thighs and say "That's pizzas wiggle here, that's chocolates wiggle there.. oh and there is the cookies I ate 2 weeks ago". Yet now, there are days when I put on a shirt that I haven't worn in 2 years that I now fit into and I say "There's only 1 bowl of pasta verses 2, there's all the fruits and veggies I love to eat that I've been eating more of, there's the workout I did". I don't think I will ever not be an emotional eater or an emotional non eater as I sometimes am. It will always be a part of me. So I'll eat my pizza sometimes, but I'll do my best to make sure my frienemy doesn't hurt me, use me or abuse me. Sometimes it will win, like yesterday but sometimes I will. I can win, but now at least I know it.