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Help! How Do You Stop A Weight Loss Saboteur that You Thought Was A Friend?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I don't know about you, but I have made it a point to tell all I know that I have turned my life in the direction of wellness and this includes healthy eating. Despite this, I have one "friend" who insists on putting things on my plate (in the presence of others) and telling me to just "try it." The first time she did this, I tasted the item and told her it was quite good but that I would forgo the rest as I knew it was high in calories and sodium and fat and that with what I was currently eating, I would have already consumed my daily nutritional limits. After dinner, I politely and confidentially asked her NOT to put food on my plate again, that it made me uncomfortable especially around others and that I needed her help to reach my nutritional and weight goals. She didn't really respond verbally but I was certain she got my message.

The second time she put food on my plate, I smiled and didn't eat it and then she made an issue of saying (in front of everyone), "Now Gina, you know it's a sin to waste food so you need to clean your plate!" I smiled again but ignored her suggestion to eat the item. Again, I spoke with her privately and politely, and this time more firmly, that I didn't appreciate her ignoring my request to not put food on my plate and then I again told her I needed her support and was very serious about this. I went on to say that if she attempted to sabotage my efforts again, whether privately or publicly, that I would simply get up and leave her home. I told her that in the future, she was not to do that again.

OK, today was strike three. This was a large gathering of women, many of whom I knew, at a bridal shower...her daughter's. Right there, she kept singling me out (it was a buffet) and asking me if I wanted this or that and doing so out loud. She was at the buffet table. I had already gone through the line and was sitting down to eat. She kept making a saddened face and taking deep sighs with each "no, thank you" I gave her...to the ham salad spread ( I took the sliced turkey), the 8 layered vegetable casserole (loaded with mayo), the potato salad, the rigatoni and the pastries and finally the cake she was cutting.

Despite my turning down these items, after she finished cutting the cake and the rest of the group had received their pieces, she came over to me holding a dessert plate with a very large slice of cake and announced that I "had to eat it" as she had cut it specifically for me. She proceeded to place this dessert plate of cake on top of the dinner plate from which I was still eating (fork was in my hand); she put the plate right on the food that was still there thus preventing me from finishing my meal.

emoticon I was livid inside but kept my mouth shut. I looked at her and sadly shook my head, got up and excused myself to the bride to be and left the party.

Another friend told me she is very upset with me and that I should have just eaten the cake and not embarrassed this woman as she was the hostess. I'm sorry she's upset but I feel that my actions were justified. I had more than adequately made my position known to her and she blatantly ignored my request. I had told her what I would do but she persisted. She had embarrassed me by her actions...by making a public scene...over and over again, and in a rather audible voice, by asking if I wanted the very things I had skipped over when I went through the buffet line. Her final point of drama, putting the plate on top of the very food I was eating, was the last straw for me. From my point of view, it was she who showed no respect for my wishes. Wouldn't you agree? Funny thing, she is someone who has suggested on occasion that I lose weight!

What would you have done if you were me? How would you deal with her in when you meet again? emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THREADADDICT 5/27/2009 10:05AM

    It's clearly HER problem and not yours. Unfortunately, you have had to deal with it.

She is no friend. You are better off without her in your life.
You made the right decisions. There is no reason for ANYONE to put food on another adult's plate. The fact she did it three times is plain WEIRD. It's not passive aggressive, it's plain out aggressive.

DesertDreamers made a great post above me! Next time, ask her publicly "WHY are you doing this?"

If she cuts you out of her life, it's not that big of a loss. And we support you!

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GRACENOTES 5/25/2009 6:10AM

    All you can do is continue to be nice to her. If she is embarrassed it is her problem not yours. Maybe she is actually embarrassed because you are showing more will power then she could in the same situation. Hold your ground! Respond with kindness but don't give in.
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GCHUNG 5/24/2009 11:06AM

    Wow. I am floored someone could be so rude and inconsiderate and then blame you. I would not count her as a friend.

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TEXQUILTMAMA 5/24/2009 10:07AM

    Oh my! I am shocked at how she acted! I would not consider her a friend, as friends help you with your goals, not sabotage them! I have a friend that takes time twice a week to go walking with me, and brags to everyone about how much weight I have lost!I am with everybody else, if she embarrasses you again, stand up for yourself and let her know that she is wrong. Tell her you thought she was your friend, but friends do not act this way..Take care , joyce emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DANCETAXI22 5/24/2009 1:54AM

    Oh my gosh! That is a crazy, crazy place to be visiting!

My first thought is WHY is she doing this? If you really want to understand her reasoning, that might be an idea to spend some time on. But that may be a total waste of time. There must be some reason she does not want you to change that is scaring her.

The best thing is to understand why it upset you so (and you have every right to be upset by the way). It sounds like she is not going to change, so if you can find a way to react that gives you some peace, this craziness won't have any power over you.

Actually her behavior is just absurd. I've had people give me food too. I just stuff it in a bottom drawer or just leave it sitting where they left it.

Stay strong! And just be curious about why.

Take care,

Danette
Tucson, AZ

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DESERTDREAMERS 5/23/2009 4:14AM

    I have to agree - you were right. This "friend" totally ignored your clearly expressed wishes, and suffered the consequences. As for the other friend who said you should have "just eaten the cake and not embarrassed the hostess" - what planet is she coming from? The hostess was trying to embarrass you - by speaking so loudly, making heavy sighs, and then plopping the cake on top of your carefully chosen food. Very rude.

Let's say someone was a recovering alcoholic. Substitute alcoholic beverages for the less nutritious foods and water or juice for the healthy choices. If this person went to a party, and confidently told the hostess her problem, and the hostess persisted in serving alcoholic drinks - would everyone say "Oh, just drink it, don't embarrass the hostess"? I think not.

Kudos to you for standing your ground. If she tries to force food on you again, instead of politely privately confronting her, politely but publicly confront her and ask why she is trying to sabotage your efforts?

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