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Reading boyfriends texts???


Friday, May 15, 2009

I am feeling sooooooo down about myself today.....not like me and I didn't think it was quite that time of the month yet, but maybe it is?!?!
I feel fat
I feel bloated
I feel old and frumpy and ugly

So all of these emotions are not helping me when it comes to the bf and texts situation

First off can I say that I am normally not at all jealous EVER
I have always been a very flirty person myself and don't mind my boyfreind being flirty with other people
I have always been secure in myself and had trust in my boyfriends (I have always been the one to end relationships)

But..... a few months ago a text came through on my boyfriends phone while he was out and it was from his ex
So of course I read it......and it was flirty ish
So I looked through his phone and found more - flirty and she is making it clear that she still likes him (would never say no apparantly)
Since then, every so often, I am now on the lookout for signs that he has done something and every so often I check his phone for texts
Whenever I think he is being particularly nice (over compensating) and I check his phone that day - there are flirty texts, so I am reading his body language right (or justifying my paranoia)

A few days ago his ex sent me a friends requst on facebook - which I have ignored and not mentioned
Now one of her friends has sent me a facebook friends request
Last night I checked the phone again (aggghhhhhhhhh am I turning into Glenn Close) and he called her on Monday and then yesterday she text saying - don't worry about not meeting me I know its hard for you, just wanted to say you're a top bloke, then they exchanged some flirty texts - nothing more than that though.

Just to clarify my bf I am talking about is the father of my two kids and we were together for 5 years, then had a 7 year time apart (my choice, no cheating involved) and now we have been back together for 2 years

So I guess as I sit here actually typing this all out onto the world wide web...
I am wondering.......

* Firstly is it ok for him to be flirting with his ex ?
* Is it ok that he still contacts her, without telling me ?
* Should I be reading the texts at all?
* Am I right to be bothered by this?
* Should I calm down and stop working myself up over flirty texts?
* Is she a bit weird adding me as a facebook friend (I have never met her)?

I have spoken to close friends about this and they agree that my boyfriend is so not the type to do anything and he is probably just having a bit of flirty fun and liking the attention from his ex - which I think it is!

But......in case you haven't gathered by now I am working myself up just slightly over this today.....I am wondering
1. Should I be asking him about this and how on earth can I do that without making it known that I AM READING HIS TEXTS!
2. Should I carry on reading texts and checking phones and looking for signs of something more going on?
3. Should I back off, leave him to the flirtations, stop reading his phone and stop snooping ?

I AM A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT I AM TURNING INTO A CRAZED PARANOID INSECURE PATHETIC JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND
and not the
CONFIDENT HAPPY SECURE FUN FLIRTATIOUS GIRLFRIEND
and all because I read his texts!

Any answers to the above questions would be greatly appreciated......especially from confident happy secure fun flirtatious people

I am now going to get myself up off the settee and make myself look as fabulous as possible and go on a shopping lunch with my Mum. I think I need some fresh air after reading back the above!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
AGGIESGIRL1 5/16/2009 11:29AM

    Okay, so I do agree with many of the comments here about flirting with the ex as not okay as well as disrespectful. You could either (1) Low risk for both of you: Mention that you got these Facebook invites from his ex and her friend and ask "Why would they be sending me this when I don't even know them?" That gives him the option to tell you that she's been sending flirty texts to him lately (without his having to say anything about his responses) OR (2) higher risk but (partially) honest, tell him you saw the text message on his phone and that she sent the Facebook invite and ask him if he's considering getting back with her. But do stop reading the texts since it makes you feel bad (and bad about yourself). Know that you are wonderful and if he wants to break up, it's his loss. If he wants to stay, he needs to be clear about what that means: no flirty texts with exes. Either way, your kids will still have him as their Dad.
Good luck, Pink!
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MARIES2006 5/15/2009 4:47PM

  And just when you thought I was done.....

Also, I have always stayed in contact with ex-boyfriends. When my husband and I first got serious, it stopped. The very next Email I got from one, I politely told them that I am in a new relationship and do not feel it is right to continue keeping in contact with anyone I have been so intimate with in the past. (mostly b/c I knew how I would feel if my husband did) They understand b/c they were with me and know how I am in a relationship. And if they didn't understand, so what! I was trying to see if the man I was with was one I could build a future with...he was all that mattered in the man department. If for some reason we hadn't worked out (which we did), I could always Email the dudes up later. If they had changed their email or something....so what....it wasn't meant to be. Life goes on! Priorities! Know what's important in your life. :) Dang, I'm talking way too much! LOL

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MARIES2006 5/15/2009 4:34PM

  All your feelings are understandable! I think it's all about you and what you are comfortable with. If you do not flirt with others and want him to not flirt with others, then you should communicate that to him and he should respect it. Ofcourse, I wouldn't ask him to do anything that you wouldn't honor yourself. I would have been rummaging through his phone too and would have gone ballistic as soon as I saw it. I would have let him know how I feel about the situation and see if he respects my feelings by stopping all communications with his ex. When I first met my husband, he still talked to his ex-wife on occassion. Matter of fact, he tried to do it while I was sitting right next to him. I guess that was supposed to show me that he had nothing to hide. But, I let him know REAL QUICK how I felt about that. He changed his number and hasn't been in contact since (now nearly 2.5 years later). My feeling is that if you feel the need to communicate with your ex, then you are not over her. You are your man's lover and friend...and mother of his children. Anything he needs in a woman, he can get from you. If he feels like he's missing something then he needs to tell you. All about communication! Demand your respect. You deserve it! Talking to the ex-girlfriend when you are not cool with it, is surely disrespect...in my opinon.

Also, I think it is important to let your man know things you love about him. Just like it is for us women to hear it from our men. You can be in a relationship with your man and still flirt with your man. Tell him how fine he's lookin' that day or give him an ole slap on the @ss. LOL

Good luck

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JENDENLAR 5/15/2009 12:07PM

    Oh this is no good. I would be worried about the "meeting" and why it is so hard for him. I think I would bring up the fact that you've read a couple texts and while he may get a little upset about you going through his phone--it couldn't possible cause him to be as upset as you are. Let him know how you feel and how insecure it makes you feel that he was keeping this relationship from you. Be sure he assures you about their "relationship" and you are comfortable with that what it is. Several years ago, my bf and his ex (first real girlfriend/high school gf) were talking on myspace. But he was deleting any comments she left on his page. I caught one, so I looked at her page and there were whole conversations. I got really upset about it and confronted him. He told me the reason he deleted the messages was because he didn't want to make me mad. I told him I was madder that I was left in the dark. Hiding a relationship like that looks fishy and certainly warrants other suspicions. He said he didn't think of it that way. Now they talk and are friends AND I know about it-each and every time. She is married with 2 kids so I don't feel threatened and because I am aware of their friendliness, I feel comfortable and secure. It can work and people can be friends with exes without it being a big deal, but two people in a comfortable secure relationship are open with each other about it. That is the only way for it to work! Good Luck and sorry for the long rant!

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TEACHINMOM 5/15/2009 11:28AM

    I guess there is no need in repeating what others have said-I agree with everything ASH41749 said, except maybe she doesn't so much want to check out the competition (why should there be any, he is with YOU!!) as make you trust her??? Just a thought.
The mention of a meeting should definitely be a red flag-you need to keep on top of this if you still want a relationship with him, and if he still wants one with you, you knowing (and caring enough to read his texts) shouldn't be a problem either. Why does everyone think, I wonder, that someone should enter a relationship with someone under the assumption that they should not have to be accountable to that someone they are with. That their lives should be "seperate". He doesn't need privacy, so you can't be violating it, what he needs is to be completely honest with you!! My vote is to confront him calmly but confidently and find out what is going on.
emoticon . I'm sorry you have to deal with this and hope things get worked out quickly for you!!

Comment edited on: 5/15/2009 11:29:59 AM

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JACKES 5/15/2009 10:25AM

    Hi i can see why you are concerned with the textes!! He is naughty that he has not told you about them! but he might think if he does tell you then you would jump to the wrong conclusion!!! You could bring up in conversation that she has added you on facebook and you feel thats strange as you have never met her!! See what responce you get, that would then give you a chance to say if he has seen or spoken to her lately!!! You should either stop looking at the textes or tell him you have seen some!! Its only upsetting you more and if he catches you looking at his phone its going to make the situation worse!!
Don't let it go on for for too long, because the longer you leave it the more upset and angry you will get and it will come up in a arguement which will be worse!!!
Good luck and hope you get it sorted out soon and remember he chose to be with you and the children!! You have got something she will never have! His family!!!!
Jackes emoticon

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JENIFIT 5/15/2009 10:09AM

  Oh my goodness, this sucks, sweetie. I'm always a fan of speaking up and honest communication. If it's completely innocent, you'll feel better, though you might have to deal with backlash :( and if it isn't innocent, at least you'll know where you stand. I would be going crazy too: Ryan's ex contacts him on Facebook all the time because she is needy and crazy and wants to meet me and hang out and be BFFs, and though I'm cool with them being friends, I'm certainly not going to let myself get pulled into it, you know? I read their messages and feel completely secure, and if you don't, it's something that probably needs to be discussed.

(I feel fat and bloated too, and what the hell is with this sudden 8 lb. weight gain? It's back down to 237, but I don't WANNA be this weight anymore!)

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AMANDAWEYRICH 5/15/2009 9:26AM

    Hey,
I just went through about the same but it was a co-worker. Does he act differently around you or is he secrective? Look for those things, if not then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. But he shouldn't keep this behind your back though. With my fiancee I did confront him and told him how i felt about it and he said ok, but i would say it just depends on your guy and how he reacts, my fiancee has no emotions. Well good luck let me know what your desision is. :)

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TOWANDA132 5/15/2009 8:47AM

    Honey, so sorry this is driving you nuts. I vote mostly for #3, chill but also talk to him. If you are comfortable reading them, let him know you are reading them and how you feel about it.

My girlfriend read my texts with HER ex last night, it pissed me off because she could have just asked me what I'd been texting her ex about. I would have told her straight up.

I think honest communication goes a really long way.

Good luck!!

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ASH41749 5/15/2009 6:37AM

    In answer to your questions:
1. No, it's not okay to flirt with your ex. I think it's disrespectful to you.
2. It's not okay that he hasn't mentioned that they have been in contact. Relationships are about open communication and he should be open with you.
3. Haha, that's a tough one!
4. It's very "normal" to be bothered by this situation. Trust me, nothing Glenn Close about it. Unless you're thinking of breaking into said woman's house and boiling her dog, cat, or bunny :(
5. You should calm down and then have an honest conversation with your bf.
6. My guess is she wants to check out her competition.

I went through something similar to this years ago. I "accidentally" found out what my boyfriends facebook password was (he's my ex now) and for a while took the noble route and didn't peek into his account, but one day my curiosity got the better of me (being that I am a very curious person I'm surprised I held out as long as I did) and peeked BIG. What did I find? I found private messages that he and an ex had been sending back and forth. They were a bit flirty too. I was enraged to say the least. However, how could I bring it up without first revealing that I was snooping? Trust me, I understand your dilemma. Not only was he guilty of flirting with an ex, but I was guilty for violating his privacy. Oh, the tangled web we weave.



Comment edited on: 5/15/2009 6:39:18 AM

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