Thursday, May 14, 2009
...that's what I'm feeling.
I have been sitting here, well not literally HERE but pacing around fidgeting with the TV, playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook and pacing.
It was like I got hit with this wave of bad emotions this evening and I haven't been able to shake it off all night....and then it hit me.
I am totally detoxing from my old way of life.
Yeah, it's been about 6 weeks and I am really starting to chisel away all the small things that added up to one big thing - my unhappiness.
Sure, I've pointed the blame here and there, it's "because of this" or "because that didn't work out" or "because I can't"...............but the reality is the ONLY thing keeping me from being happy was actually me.
I don't know when I really gave up, or what the final straw was that broke me, but I am so thankful that whatever it was that happened that I am so happy that the light in my heart turned back on.
I think my mental awakening started when our car broke down this week and I chose to walk to work and home. It wasn't an easy choice, I could have gotten rides from good friends or I could have taken a taxi or the bus, but I wanted to walk. I wanted the fresh air, the exercise and the healthy time to myself and I walked.
Do you know how beautiful it is or how the air feels at 7:30 in the morning?
Do you know how rejuvenating it is to just get outside and walk?
Do you know how many mornings I have WASTED curled up in my bed or on the couch hungover, tired out, depressed and sad? Sometimes not even wanting to get up to shower or eat, just laying there angry and sad?
Do you know how long I missed out on the simple joys of healthy, everday living?
I am SO thankful that I cared enough about myself to get some help.....even if it that help was just a jumpstart, a simple "Spark" to help me help myself.
And now, 6 weeks into all of this, the reality that I am finding out who I am again and regaining a passion for life, gaining back my self esteem and able to look at myself in the mirror again..........I'm overwhelmed with tears of joy.
And it's not for the weight I've lost.......but for the strength I've gained.