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    COMMIT2MYSELF   10,435
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I am the girl who laughs the loudest

Thursday, May 07, 2009

and I never want to be alone. I've been going to bars. Drinking and meeting people. Not dealing with how much pain I'm actually in. You know, when I go out, I am the life of the party, I'm not the prettiest girl, somehow getting free drinks isn't hard. I do take my sister always, and she IS pretty but, they buy drinks for both of us.

Dancing and drinking. Meeting new people. Not paying attention to my own personal life. My boyfriend..... myself..... the job I no longer have. I've let myself go, and I'm the only one to blame. So, I am alone in this. But, I AM strong. and I AM the girl who laughs the loudest. My nickname is "Happy" Happy by name and reputation. I feel "no pain" everything seems perfect. No one knows the pain I'm in.

Or the disgust I feel when I look in the mirror. No one knows the tears I cry when clothes won't fit me. No one sees me stuff another zebra cake in my mouth b/c I'm emotional. To the REAL world, I'm just HAPPY. Loving girlfriend, best friend, fun sister, bar buddy..........

I'm looking for myself.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTTERFLY_MT 5/7/2009 12:08PM

    Have you been watching "Biggest Loser" this season? Tara was talking about how before the BL she would sit on her bed, eating junk and watching TV. She also talked about how she didn't feel like she was really living. Your blog reminds me of her.

The interesting thing about it--the last episode, the final four had to spend 30 days at home and then go back for another weigh-in before getting to the final show (which is next Tues.). And ALL OF THEM were having trouble balancing "normal life" with being/getting healthy. Being on the ranch helped them lose lots of weight, but it really didn't teach them how to deal with temptations and being able to have small amounts of something every now and then. They still had an "all or nothing" approach to life--which is just not a fun way to live and something that doesn't work out forever.

We all have our struggles to overcome, but we can do it. I know that Tara lost it super fast because she had nothing else to do other than to lose weight, but her story does tell this--we can feel happier and more alive than ever when we really start to make this work. And, yes, I said start--because even the journey can give us strength and energy to live the way we want to. Tara is still not to a "goal" weight, but is much much happier now and still working towards that goal. We just need to "throw off everything that hinders" and "run with perseverance the race marked out for us"--set our eyes on the goals and dreams we have and not give up hope.

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TRACYZABELLE 5/7/2009 1:30AM

    I always appear happy on the outside as well.. I can not walk well nor do I have the stamina I used to. I have gotten to a point where I do not like to go out to restaurants anymore so I have people over my house with the excuse that it is cheaper to eat in... I want to be out there again and I will. Soon we will be as happy on the inside as the outside we can do it, WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT! emoticon

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TAMI@SH04250 5/7/2009 1:15AM

    You are not alone girl, I am 44 years old and sill have those days. I don't party like I used to, I got married had a family, and all is supposed to be good right? I still feel like that family picture on the wall that looks good on the outside, but reality tells a different story.

I am still looking for myself, and thru SP I think I am finding her. I am doing things for me and I feel better than I have in many years. At my heaviest I was 280, and now I am about 226. It has taken time, and not all days are fun. I love food, and eat a lot at night for comfort, which I am doing better at these days. Good for you for just eating one zebra cake, I would have at least 4 of them.

You've made a good choice to start eating right and getting connected with SP. Good luck to you on your journey!

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KFILANOSKI 5/7/2009 12:46AM

    I see you. And it's ok to be imperfect, it's ok to open up about these things, that's the only way we can ever work through them. My sparkteam, Love Yourself Binge Free, might be something you'd like. It's for everyone, whether you binge or not, who wants to learn to love themselves. My friend Channel started it and all the women there have helped me so much. If you need anything, just let me know.

- Katie

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