Thursday, May 07, 2009
and I never want to be alone. I've been going to bars. Drinking and meeting people. Not dealing with how much pain I'm actually in. You know, when I go out, I am the life of the party, I'm not the prettiest girl, somehow getting free drinks isn't hard. I do take my sister always, and she IS pretty but, they buy drinks for both of us.
Dancing and drinking. Meeting new people. Not paying attention to my own personal life. My boyfriend..... myself..... the job I no longer have. I've let myself go, and I'm the only one to blame. So, I am alone in this. But, I AM strong. and I AM the girl who laughs the loudest. My nickname is "Happy" Happy by name and reputation. I feel "no pain" everything seems perfect. No one knows the pain I'm in.
Or the disgust I feel when I look in the mirror. No one knows the tears I cry when clothes won't fit me. No one sees me stuff another zebra cake in my mouth b/c I'm emotional. To the REAL world, I'm just HAPPY. Loving girlfriend, best friend, fun sister, bar buddy..........
I'm looking for myself.