Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.


    HELENHIWATER  
SparkPoints
 
 
I gave Up.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

The nagging fear took hold and I chose the destructive behaviors that formerly fed my anxiety and depression. I have not honored my body and I have ravaged my soul with self loathing thoughts. Maintaining my weight has felt like a white knuckle ride into a brick wall. I've gained I don't know how much weight but I have a pretty good idea by the way my clothes fit. Today was my first day on SP since the middle of April. Today I will log my food and water and will begin crawling out of this pit one hand and knee at a time. So much shame. So much wasted time. What is wrong with me? Even at my healthiest weight I still feel like I'm not good enough. Will perseverance win out. By not giving up will someday I accept of myself? What is it going to take?
I reset my goals and weighed in. I even did measurements. One knee and hand at a time...
SHARE
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEATHHILL 5/3/2009 6:22AM

    You may feel like you gave up, but you're back and that is really important. It's so totally natural to go backwards and forwards on this journey. I hope for you that you can begin to love yourself unconditionally no matter what the scale says.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BINEMELLES 5/3/2009 5:17AM

    rebecca, each of us has slipped and fallen back into old habits a lot of times. it's natural, they say old habits die hard, or you can't teach new tricks to an old dog. it's the natural thing for our brains to do - to stick to well-known routines to minimize the amount of energy needed for "brainwork". so, imagine us in a constant struggle with our brains, or rather the conscious against the unconscious part of our brains.
of course this causes frustration, and sometimes we just grow immensely tired of fighting ourselves. but you should NEVER feel ashamed about it. shame belittles and disables you. be glad that you realised you were going downhill in time, and took action.
i'm glad to see you've taken up the fight again. now kick those old pounds to the curb with new vigor!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JIBBIE49 5/3/2009 3:03AM

    I'm so glad you are back. emoticon

As long as you measure yourself by OTHER PEOPLE'S standard for you, you will NEVER be good enough. The only way in your life you will ever have freedom is to set yourself your OWN standard and that measure is being just where you are NOW. We can't go back and change anything. We ONLY have today.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post


Log in to post a comment.
 


Other Entries by HELENHIWATER