Thursday, April 23, 2009
When I say I have nothing to wear that fits, I actually mean just that. Nothing. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not stretching the truth. I mean am busting out of everything I own. Even my exercise pants are to small. They roll down off my stomach like pantyhose that are to tight...as do my jeans and my khakis.
I look like I'm 14 months pregnant. That also is NOT an exaggeration. Even though I have weighed more, I think my stomach is bigger than it's ever been. My stomach now enters a room before I do. I get this wonderful genetic trait from my Dad's side of the family. I'm built just like my Dad and his Mom (my Grandmother)...which my dh has told me he does not find attractive. Who could blame him, I don't find it attractive either and neither does anyone else on the planet. I feel like I've pulled a bait and switch on him because I've put on a hundred pounds plus since we were married. I've lost and gained more than I can count. If I'm not losing, I'm gaining. I'm never one weight for more than 20 seconds. I think watching The Food Network even causes me to gain weight. It's ridiculous.
I have been asked if I'm pregnant from every weight from 120 to 200+ because of my build. I dO look like I'm pregnant. And there is NO hiding it at this point. I'm embarrassed to go out in public because a year and a half ago I was 30-40lbs lighter and I'm really afraid that anyone that sees me will think I am pregnant and ask that dreaded question that I HATE! No one wants to be asked if they are pregnant when they aren't. I don't have kids and I don't want kids and I think it's natures cruel joke that I've looked like I'm in some stage of pregnancy my entire adult life.
I don't think I've ever had a flat stomach. I hate my body for that reason & have always been self conscious of it. That and also because every bite I take has the potential to make me gain weight. If I'm not a little hungry all the time, I am gaining weight. In other words, if I eat till I'm full, the scale goes up, a lot, and quickly. It doesn't matter if I eat veggies or cheesecake but if I eat till I'm full, I'm fat and getting fatter.
Every time I lose weight and think this is it, I've figured it out, this is the final time, I'll never go back "there" again...here I go, marching right back up the scale AGAIN! It's like my body just wants to be obese. My stomach is actually getting in the way of my exercising and restricting my movement. It's sO gross!...and I'm so sick of it.
I have to find something to wear to go out of town next weekend to a meeting to represent an organization in which I am acting Treasurer for the next term. Right now I'm asking myself why I took the position. I sO dread trying to find something to wear. And I dread going because I know I am going to be sO uncomfortable around hundreds of women who I imagine will all be plucked, pruned, manicured and stuffed into their finest for the weekend.
Today our cable ad executive called and wants me to be on their talk show to do a feature about our business. The last thing I want to do right now is go on camera and look ANOTHER 15lbs heavier.
My weight is getting in the way of my life. Because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look I don't want to go out and do anything. Fun, work or otherwise. DH keeps asking me where I want to go on vacation this year and I don't want to go anywhere looking and feeling like this.
I am exercising...again. And I am watching my portions...again. But I don't know if it will work or even stick this time. Why would it? It hasn't any other time. I'm sO sick of riding this roller coaster. It's like I've got a life pass. I want off the ride but I can't find the exit.