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What Not to Wear

Thursday, April 23, 2009

When I say I have nothing to wear that fits, I actually mean just that. Nothing. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not stretching the truth. I mean am busting out of everything I own. Even my exercise pants are to small. They roll down off my stomach like pantyhose that are to tight...as do my jeans and my khakis.

I look like I'm 14 months pregnant. That also is NOT an exaggeration. Even though I have weighed more, I think my stomach is bigger than it's ever been. My stomach now enters a room before I do. I get this wonderful genetic trait from my Dad's side of the family. I'm built just like my Dad and his Mom (my Grandmother)...which my dh has told me he does not find attractive. Who could blame him, I don't find it attractive either and neither does anyone else on the planet. I feel like I've pulled a bait and switch on him because I've put on a hundred pounds plus since we were married. I've lost and gained more than I can count. If I'm not losing, I'm gaining. I'm never one weight for more than 20 seconds. I think watching The Food Network even causes me to gain weight. It's ridiculous.

I have been asked if I'm pregnant from every weight from 120 to 200+ because of my build. I dO look like I'm pregnant. And there is NO hiding it at this point. I'm embarrassed to go out in public because a year and a half ago I was 30-40lbs lighter and I'm really afraid that anyone that sees me will think I am pregnant and ask that dreaded question that I HATE! No one wants to be asked if they are pregnant when they aren't. I don't have kids and I don't want kids and I think it's natures cruel joke that I've looked like I'm in some stage of pregnancy my entire adult life.

I don't think I've ever had a flat stomach. I hate my body for that reason & have always been self conscious of it. That and also because every bite I take has the potential to make me gain weight. If I'm not a little hungry all the time, I am gaining weight. In other words, if I eat till I'm full, the scale goes up, a lot, and quickly. It doesn't matter if I eat veggies or cheesecake but if I eat till I'm full, I'm fat and getting fatter.

Every time I lose weight and think this is it, I've figured it out, this is the final time, I'll never go back "there" again...here I go, marching right back up the scale AGAIN! It's like my body just wants to be obese. My stomach is actually getting in the way of my exercising and restricting my movement. It's sO gross!...and I'm so sick of it.

I have to find something to wear to go out of town next weekend to a meeting to represent an organization in which I am acting Treasurer for the next term. Right now I'm asking myself why I took the position. I sO dread trying to find something to wear. And I dread going because I know I am going to be sO uncomfortable around hundreds of women who I imagine will all be plucked, pruned, manicured and stuffed into their finest for the weekend.

Today our cable ad executive called and wants me to be on their talk show to do a feature about our business. The last thing I want to do right now is go on camera and look ANOTHER 15lbs heavier.

My weight is getting in the way of my life. Because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look I don't want to go out and do anything. Fun, work or otherwise. DH keeps asking me where I want to go on vacation this year and I don't want to go anywhere looking and feeling like this.

I am exercising...again. And I am watching my portions...again. But I don't know if it will work or even stick this time. Why would it? It hasn't any other time. I'm sO sick of riding this roller coaster. It's like I've got a life pass. I want off the ride but I can't find the exit.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Plan out today, and plan out this week. Take it in small goals or you overwhelm yourself.
    Major goal= you will have nothing to wear because everything is too big. Keep that upper most in your mind. This isn't about being perfect, we all make decisions everyday, and not every decision will fall under what you think you should have done, But.... Every right decision every day adds up. You have to find your balance, eating enough to satisfy yourself while cutting enough calories to lose weight. This is where moving comes in, the more extra calories you burn, the higher your calories to eat can be.
    Forget the past, Your life starts anew today.
    Ps; It also sounds like you bloat easy? maybe those over the counter anti gas things.
    3253 days ago
    Hey Gorgeous you CAN do this! Don't let life get you down. Pray first, then Plan. Getting back on track IS possible! emoticon emoticon
    3255 days ago
    That frame of mind can really screw u up, but it's like that is how you feel. Have you considered that you have to focus more on your mental as well as the scale going down. You will never be happy with yourself and I think you should work on it. Don't feel bad girl, I know I used to hate shopping cuz nothing will close over my gut. Even now with me losing weight from the belly button to my rib cage there is a pouch of tummy that will not go away. I just try not letting that get me down. I have spent enough time not doing things and enjoying myself due to my feeling on how I look. Focus on the things you like about yourself. You are beautiful :)
    3257 days ago
    I can really feel your pain, but I agree, you made me chuckle all the way through your blog. You have that quality. At a couple of points, I also wanted to cry. I actually did not go on a trip with my BF because we would be going with friends that had not seen me in years and I had gained so much weight, I felt gross. It was at Christmas and I spent Christmas home alone because I didn't want to be seen. I can tell you today, I would never do that again! It just made me feel more miserable and I did nothing but eat while he was gone. I do have a new attitude today. I still slip back and I am still unhappy with my stomach because it is not flat and probably never will be, but I have made progress and I do things now for me. If I want to enjoy a trip, I'm going to enjoy it! Look at Susan Boyle! When she came out on stage people were laughing and snickering until she started to sing. It sounds like you are down, even with your joking, I still get that sense. Just take one step at a time. Yes, it is slow, but, if you can be consistent, it will pay off. Letting your feels out is very therapeutic! You can do it. You have lots of friends right here that are willing to help you through it. Cynthia
    3257 days ago
    I know you're at the end of your rope, but your post made me chuckle. At least you have not lost your sense of humor!

    Just a few things - I think you're beautiful. I don't know you, but in your posts you radiate warmth, energy and kindness. I think if we lived closer, we would be friends. I bet you have a lot of friends because of those qualities.

    Also, everyone has their "thing". My tummy is flat, but my thighs... WOW! If I lost 10 pounds right now, my thighs would still be the same size. In fact, when I was 20, I got very, very ill. I weighed 82 pounds. The big joke was that I still had my parents' thighs (double whammy - they both have short fat legs). If you just looked at my legs, you would have no idea that they were attached to an emaciated person. So, my point is - we all have something that drives us crazy - I know for you it's probably extra galling to have people think you are pregnant.

    Hang in there - you are a beautiful person and I know that you will find success.
    3257 days ago
    FATCATTN... I can hear your pain and I have no real advice for you. I will say a prayer for you. And the first lady that posted a comment here said the best, I think. Tell yourself the truth: You are special and beautiful and you will get healthier if you keep telling yourself these things. Mind over matter: I have read alot of that and it works! You can get healthy and find something to wear..it will happen!
    3257 days ago
    Throughout the blog is the essential theme that you want to change and that you are working to get there. We come in all kinds of packages. Best wishes on getting the self image you want!

    3257 days ago
    I'm sorry that you are hurting...been there and know the feeling.

    This is what helped me and maybe it will help you also. Positive affirmations, yep...when I first started looking at myself in the mirror each morning (I could only look at my eyes, cause the rest of me grossed me out) and started telling myself, "I am loved, I am worthy, I deserve perfect health, I am "eliminating" weight, I am slender, I have the life I desire" and many other positives self declarations, I had that little voice snickering in my ear "Yeah right! snort, snort snort. But I decided I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else was going to give me the life I desired, no one else was responsible for my decisions, no one else mattered more than me. I kept on faithfully stating my positives affirmations, several times a day. Slowly I started to believe them and slowly my body began to become the body of a healthy person. As my thinking changed and became healthy, my attitude changed and it became easier to exercise and eat healthy...I deserve to be health.
    You deserve to be healthy...what have you got to lose by trying.

    3257 days ago
    My sister was joking that she always looks like she's pregnant...and the thing that sucks is that she can't even pretend that she is because she's too old and no one would believe it.

    Here's the thing...you're not alone. If you don't believe me, head to the nearest Walmart and just watch the women coming and going.
    3257 days ago
    I understand this looking pregnant thing. I'm not quite old enough to get the questions, but I'm starting to fear their approach. I gain weight in my stomach. I have to be careful what I wear or my stomach looks very pronounced and like I'm flaunting a baby that isn't in there. It sucks. Just keep going and keep trying. That's how spark is different we're supposed to change for the long run not just until we lose the weight. It's hard. You might try just being very dedicated. I find that I do better with exercise and food if I log them everyday and if I get on spark everyday. It really helps.
    3257 days ago
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