re I am now......
Friday, April 17, 2009
Lately I have been studying for 2 exams which I don't feel that I am going to pass.. honestly. So I am spending every moment trying to cram. Usually this cramming time isn't productive as I will zone out, doze off etc. What would I rather be doing? Having extra workout time.. splitting my workouts into 2.. maybe 30min morning.. 30min evening.. or doing more weights.
Currently, I am doing 30min 5-6x a week on the treadmill and weights with dumbbells (not even gym machines) 3x. I need to up this for results.
I can't handle looking at gains.. this should be falling off of me. I gained another 1.3 this week.. I don't know how.. and I had a great workout yesterday so I'm puzzled..
TOM isn;t until next week so it shouldn't be that..
I am sticking to my clean eating.. so.. I don't know.
Maybe I am destined to be the fat girl.
I don't want to feel like the fat girl in the room.
I'm sick of being shy because I'm self conscious.. I'M NOT THAT PERSON!!!!!!!!
I'm sick of my fat effecting other things in my life.
Including my happiness.
It's like an anchor...
Having said that...
I am happy that I have lost 12lbs(well, more like 10.9 now with the gain...)
I am happy that my upper abs and face have slimmed out.. and everything else will be shrinking soon too.
I am happy that I am healthy and my blood tests have come out great.
I am happy that I am well enough to become STRONG and create who I want to be... and that I am strong enough inside right now to make that happen.. finally.
I am happy that I can log on and read spark people motivation pages, or the tosca reno message boards when I'm stuck.. when I don't have the same positive support around me everyday.
I am happy that my stomach that was once giving me issues is now behaving, thanks to the clean eating.
I am happy that my confidence is growing with every day.
I am happy that my skin feels so soft and clear.
I am excited to go down in sizes
I am excited to lift more weight
I am excited that I am motivated by the challenges
I am excited that knowing that I am excited must mean that I believe that I can do it
I am excited that I have learned how to deal with the stress and negativity and bust it out with a good workout which I didn't do in the past.. thus resulting in an overweight me.
I hope I can look back on this post and laugh it off.. and that my metabolism begins to fuel and burn the cals..
for now, im frustrated.. I can't lie about that..
I took before photos this week and cried. Literally cried.
Am I being a brat? Maybe.. there are people with serious medical issues.. and I'm crying because I can't shake the pounds... There are women my age who are double my weight. There are women who are slim who get that way through laxatives and/or barely eating (I saw it all in my university days.. and the boys who run after them wouldn't be any wiser)...
I just don't know how I lost ME. The thin me is still here.. inside this heavy burden I carry around everyday. She screams to get out.. and wonders what the hell happened.. I am AMAZED with how stress effects the body.. I didn't pile it on until I went through a very stressful time.. but having said that, I wasn't one to run to McDonald's or drink beer everyday either...
If I could turn back time, I would.. there so many things that I would do differently.
I probably needed this to happen for me to appreciate my body. Because I didn't before..
I just hope I get back to where I want to be. I don't think I can reach goal by my 30th.. and that kind of bums me out... I won't lie.. but I just hope to lose at LEAST 30lbs by then... I really really do.
How can some people lose it so easily?? It baffles me..
and why can't I just be one of them?
I just need to focus on the fact that I'm treating my body better.. I'm exercising (even though I want to do more).. I'm fueling it with healthy foods... and my cholesterol and sodium levels are low.
I hope and pray that at least by the new years I will be in at least a 3/4 from a 12.
When that day comes, hotdamn I'm going to be walking around half naked when I can haha and hopefully be the girl that I feel like I deserve to be again.