Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Okay, I have been away from here, like............FOREVER.
I have managed to somewhat maintain the bit of weight I'd lost.
I have joined Weight Watchers.
I haven't QUIT Weight Watchers though I have REALLY wanted to QUIT.
I am going to see a shrink tomorrow to see if he can help me with this. We are going to work on EMDR (a therapy that was very effective in helping me with PTSD when my son died) It was suggested to me by Coach Dean sometime back in helping me to deal with ISSUES I have with my food addiction.
I wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I HATE being this fat. Went to Cato's today with my daughter, tried on one cute blouse, 18/20. it zipped up, but I look 11 months pregnant. I hate how I look. I HATE how I feel... so what is holding me back? What is it in my sick little brain that keeps me running to binge, night after night???
I used to be a drug addict. I beat addiction. I started getting high when I was 14 (My BABIES have been 14..they are BABIES,,,,sometimes I think, my gosh, I was a BABY ADDICT!) ...life sucked back then. Life was hell. I was stuck at home from the time I was 11 with my mentally, physically and most of all EMOTIONALLY abusive Dad cause Mom ran away by working 2nd shift. Nice for her, hell for the little girl she left behind. By the time I was 13 I was full time care giver 5 nights a week for my 90 year Alzheimer's inflicted Great grandmother. WHY? Because my parents were such fine people that they'd NEVER put her in a home, THEY cared for her. Yeah right. I was stuck there with her in this hellatious prison they call Alzheimer's all week long. From the time I got off the school bus until 1 am when my Dad would finally return home, before Mom got in.
Eleven....that is around the time I began BINGE eating. By the time I was 13 I'd learned this nifty little trick of ramming my finger down my throat to get rid of the excess so I could eat more. Then I found drugs... wonderful drugs. I didn't need food anymore. I could get high to escape........and escape I did. I spent the next 12 years of my life escaping. I LOVED getting high. I LOVED escaping. I LOVED not feeling the day to day pain and fear that I'd known my entire life.
When I was 4 I would practice walking on the old plank floor when my Father wasn't home so I could learn to go through the entire house without making a single plank creak. I practiced for hours because of FEAR of him, all encompassing, immobilizing FEAR. I got it down. I learned to make it though the house without making a sound, like a little mouse, but even better...I WAS INVISIBLE AT LAST.
HE CAN'T HURT YOU IF HE CAN'T SEE YOU.
No one hurts me now because no one sees me.............is that what it's come to?
Am I so afraid of living that I survive in this shell I have made for myself of blubber?
When I stopped doing drugs, I gained over 100 pounds and have never been under 200 since.
My daughter is beautiful. I walk 2 steps behind her to see if THEY look at her and then I shoot THEM the evil looks that say, "I will kill you if you hurt HER. I can't let them hurt her the way I was hurt. We talk about my obsession. She smiles at me and says, "I understand Mom."
I never had a protector so I have gone so far to the other extreme that it's crazy. My kids and I talked about this a while back. They tell me I was way too overprotective. I agree. I work on letting go. I have always allowed them to make their own minds up, allowed them to HAVE a mind to make up. But if anyone messes with my kids, I go clinically insane, then I stop, take a breath, pray and lock myself up until sanity returns, yet they just smile and give me a hug & say, "I know Mom, I understand." What a lunatic they've had to live with, yet they are absolutely THE MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN. My kids are great.
My Mother is getting older. She is starting to show signs of Alzheimer's now. She is pitiful and I love her...but sometimes I feel such anger inside because she NEVER protected me. She was so busy running from reality that she left a little girl behind to pay the price.
Now that little girl is still hiding from the world. She wants to step out into the sun and be the woman she knows she is somewhere inside, but she doesn't know how to escape Mount Obesity. Food has been my protector for so long that when I try to find my way to reason, time and time again I find myself running back to my place of familiarity, my island of refuge... an island I long to be rescued from.