Monday, March 23, 2009
Well, I can see my life re-organization will take a great deal of time and effort. I have put off too much for too long. I have many issues.
Spiritual cancer is amongst them. I have to find a way back. I realize now that the faith in a higher power is the only way to allow and encourage faith in myself.
Unfortunately, although it would certainly be an easy way to go, I am unable to re-attach myself to the path of faith with which I was raised as a child. It is simply too passive and fairy-tale-like for me to grasp with any degree of rational thought. It is far too flawed and judgmental. It is excessively subjective to the whims of whichever generation and culture is embracing it.
I mean to insult noone else's sensibilities. I am sure that those whom others worship have contributed to any good that mankind has ever seen. But I don't think they are the "one".
The darkness that envelops our world at night...... does it exist, in part, perhaps to mask all of the impuities and distractions of the daylight? It is only then that I can form clear thoughts, find some answers....though small and few. I need to wrap my mind and spirit around what I determine to be real, credible and available.
I realize now that the prayers I learned as a child were merely desperate and unhinged mumblings....meaningless and insincere to most who utter them.
Prayer is yearning of the very soul. It is desire, desperation, pleading, working. It is proactive, not just the begging and bargaining of the disgruntled, the unhappy, the wronged, the grieving, the greedy.
My first prayer will be to the earth. I will ask for acceptance and integration into nature itself. Anyone who knows me wil certainly doubt my abilities in this area, given that I can kill a plastic houseplant, and so growing something is a very real challenge to me. I will be planting a devotional garden. it will require a great deal of work from me. patience and dedication, neither of which come easily to me. In return, I expect to find those things within me and create a place of peace and relief for myself and other small creatures. This is step one.