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    CANDYBILL  
SparkPoints
 
 
Almost 2 years

Sunday, March 22, 2009

How sad. It's been almost 2 years since I've last even come here. And look - that last entry I wrote is exactly how I am now. I believe I've even gained weight since that last post - I certainly haven't lost any. And I'm still feeling like I have no drive or direction.

I have made a few changes in the (nearly) two years since I've been away. I've certainly come to some realizations about myself. Right now, though, I believe 'm ready to do something. I'm still looking for that drive and determination, but I've gotten to the point where I know I don't want tobe like THIS anymore, and maybe that's really all I need.

I've had "measuring up" issues lately. My business has taken off like nothing else - and in these hard economic times, that's a blessing. But with that has come the realizations I mentioned earlier. I still don't take time out for myself, and I work too hard. I have gotten better though.

So I'm starting anew. I'm setting small, tiny goals for myself. My biggest issue is to focus on those small, little goals. All too often, I look at the big picture, compare my failings to it, and believe I'll never accomplish anything I want to because it's all so overwhelming. I need to stop doing that. This past week, I've tried, and for the most part, I succeeded. I set my iCal to remind me at certain intervals throughout the day to get up and go for a 15-minute walk. 3 times a day, all last week, I did it. I walked for a total of 45 minutes (at 3 miles an hour) every day last week - except for Friday. Friday, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed with stuff, and I didn't walk. I ignored it. And by Friday evening, I felt like crap - a feeling that has carried through the entire weekend. I missed Friday - so I feel like I'm a failure. I don't understand where that comes from. I did really well all week - but because I missed one day, I want to quit, and I ask myself "what's the point?"

it's such a lame attitude to have.

So I'm pulling myself up again, and I'll start again in the morning. Eat breakfast (which I skipped BOTH breakfast and lunch Friday - not on purpose either), and do my walking. If I can't find that motivation to make me 8want* to get moving and do this, then maybe just treating it as part of my job will. *I* am my own job. I should want to succeed at it.

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CANDYBILL 3/22/2009 2:20PM

    Thanks Jibbie :)

I'm looking int othat righ tnow.

And thanks for commenting - wow, I didn't think anyone would really notice - 've been gone for so long. How nice! :)

(edit: to add after watching)
Ah. This is the interesting thing I have conversations with others about. My issue isn't *over*eating - it's *under*eating, at least, as far as I can tell. I will - and frequently do - go without eating. Many times, the only thing that reminds me that it's time to stop and eat something is when I feed the kids, and my husband comes home from work. Usually, I feed the kids and go back to work without eating anything. I kind of "save up the hunger" for the dinner meal, and it all goes downhill from there.

So yes, my eating habits are bad - but I definitely don't eat emotionally. In fact, if anything, the more upset/stressed/depressed I am, the *less* I eat. I've been told I've thrown my body into "starvation mode" and when I *do* eat, I'm choosing the wrong things - which is true - and that's why I'm in the spot I'm in. I'm also run down and don't want to exercise because I'm too tired to do it.

So if this still qualifies, I'd be interestd in joining that group! :)

Comment edited on: 3/22/2009 2:30:02 PM

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JIBBIE49 3/22/2009 1:49PM

    Go to YOUTUBE and look for ROGER GOULD, M.D.

He has a book "Shrink Yourself" about why we do what we do and how fat protects us, etc. He is well worth listening to and reading the book. We have a SparkTeam here for his book.

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