Friday, March 13, 2009
My sleep schedule has been SO messed up lately. First I blamed it on the time change. Then I blamed it on stress. I think stress has a little bit to do with it, but I'm just...lonely. Not lonely in a "oh, I'm so blue" type of way. Just lonely in the "I'm missing having a person" type of way. My bro in law asked me the other day if I knew the real reason my ex left me (this was a 4-year relationship that ended in 2005). I thought about it and had some answers, but I'll never really know. I think it'd be better to just really know. Tell me the truth, no matter what it is. But that won't happen. So I move on. And I have moved on. Trust.
I've looked at my relationships since then and they've all been pretty crappy. I've been stepped on in one way or another...went out with some real pieces of work. Most of them are engaged to someone new to be married. Wait...let me elaborate.
Jim is married (he was nice - first guy I dated after the break-up. Sweetheart. I moved back to FL, so nothing happened there). Good? He showed me that there was life and love again after my break up. Oh...and he was a good kisser. ;)
Daniel is engaged to be married. (we went on one date). He was a nice guy, but I really think there was something not right in his head. Seriously. And he liked to tell me all about what a good listener he was...he did a lot more talking than listening. Good? He gave me a yellow rose. That was sweet.
Nathan is engaged to be married. We dated for about 4 months - 3.5 months too long if you ask me. He was passive aggressive, and just not nice. But he was depressed. I tried to help. He broke up with me in an email. Too bad too, because I was already trying to figure out how to break up with him. I guess he saved me the trouble. I see him on facebook now and I want to say to him: "Why is it okay for you to be nice to someone else, but you couldn't be nice to me?" I know it's because he was going through some crap, but still. And no, I'm not sad we broke up. Good? We went to Charleston, SC and that city is beautiful!
Mark. Well, Mark was fun. We spent some time together over a Summer. Then he went home to visit family and I didn't hear from him for over a week....he called and said, "We need to talk." ha I said, "Do you really want to do this over the phone?" So we met for drinks (soda here), and he said, "I'm so sorry, but I'm going back to my ex." Yeah. But I did go to my first dirt track race with him.
Chris *shudders* Uhhhh....yeah. He's the one who, after I told him it wasn't gonna work (after a week!), told me that "God warned me about you." What? Are you SERIOUS? He just sent me a picture of him and his new guitar the other day and suggested we catch up over tea and scones. Ummmm....no thank you. Good? Uhhhh....ummm....I got it. With him I spoke my mind. I spoke up for myself afterwards - that was an accomplishment.
I know. You all don't need a run down of my dating history. This is just what's on my mind at the moment, and this is the only place I can write with security. I just miss having that person on my side, who understands me, and checks up on me just because, challenges me to be better every day...and will sit under the stars with me for hours.
So...yes....insomnia. At 1:42am I'm writing this, but I'm hoping it'll help quell the demons that are keeping me up. Maybe getting it out will calm things.
My teaching in Jacksonville went really well. I've been talking with the principal about starting in the Fall. There's a lot of trouble with layoffs right now, and what the position will actually be, but she really wants me there as a teacher, so that's a good sign. My friend, Shawn, says he's been so stressed, he no longer fits into his pants. lol He's the one I'll be teaching with in the Fall. Poor guy.
Okay...I think that's all I've got for my mind meanderings. I checked up on some of my spark friends tonight. I want you all to know that even though I haven't been here, doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about you!