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    STARSBELOW   2,095
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back to basics, once again...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

okay. i had a really good streak going when i got back from NYC last month. i had gotten back down to 171 from 179. then, i had a huge fight with the husband, that prompted us to seriously talk about divorce, and i took up drinking alcohol nightly again, plus eating horrible food choices and fast food. i can't eat much with my pouch, but i think WHAT i eat affects me more than the QUANTITY i eat now. i still have restriction, but i honestly feel that i have the restriction a "normal" person has... one that has never had a weight problem and knows when to stop eating. i dunno.. maybe that's just me.

so, a few days ago, my weight got to 178 and i told myself "that's enough!" and got back to business. i quit drinking and started watching what i ate and logged food and it's coming off again. and every single time i do this, i ask myself WHY? WHY do you let yourself stop this? WHY can't you let yourself get to goal? i've never seen below 170. the only time i've been in the 160s has been when i was a child. so why am i so scared to see the 160s and lower? i have no idea... but, i realize that i'm self sabatoging. maybe it's a defense mechanism... i get all this attention now.. that i LOATHE. what'll happen when i get to goal?

so yeah. every time i start getting back to basics, it feels like i'm "dieting" again. "fallen off the wagon". i did not have surgery to go on a diet again! surgery is for life! it's a lifestyle change! i'm falling into bad habits like i had before surgery. obviously, i didn't learn what i needed to learn during the honeymoon period. i feel like i can give advice till the moo cows come home, but i can't follow it. it's just food!!! but, you can't just give it up. you need it to live. i just need to decide what my relationship with food actually is and will be.

pork has been on my list of NO FOODS ever since WLS. i've never been able to eat it in any form... shredded bbq, sausage, bacon, ham, etc.. i tried bbq pork in the crock pot the other day... and i've kept it down! i feel like celebrating. so, even after almost a year and a half, keep on trying to eat stuff that has thwarted your pouch!

so, those are my thoughts for the day. i'm going to daytona beach in 3 weeks and i want to look decent in my new swimsuit. if that's not a motivator, i dunno what is!! =)
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AUDRAS 5/4/2010 10:37AM

    I was so greatfull to see this particular blog. I have very similar issues, and concerns. It was awesome to feel like "I am not alone". Thank you for being truthfull!

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TANYAD2010 1/1/2010 8:33AM

    Emotional Eaters are also perfectionists about most things. We also put others first with the hope that others will BE THERE for us. We look for strength in things outside ourselves. So your husband issues (if they still apply) would definitely add to the disappointment hence looking for the "food" to "fill" that void. The external strength.

The question then is...what else can I do when I get upset? Paint my nails. Go dancing? Something as a release. Something that also gives us inner strength.

For me, I realized that I come first...so that I can be better for others in a wholistic and holistic sense. So I re-established my spiritual side. (note I didn't state religious). A connection with something greater than yourself and life in general. A connection with something that made you BE here in the first place. That then makes you place value on yourself and then makes you no longer seek strength in things that really cannot help the way we would like it to.

So...don't be so hard on yourself.
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