Tuesday, February 10, 2009
So this morning I'm back up to 161. Yo-yo, thy name is Susan. Time to take out the heavy guns (I guess?), which means as of this morning I will be faithfully, avidly, hardnosed-ly recording every oz. of this and g. of that that passes my lips.
I know a lot of you suggested I do this earlier when I first noticed the yo-yo trend. It's a good idea. You are smart people. I promise you I didn't write it off unthinkingly. But I keep flashing back uneasily to the last time I got serious about tracking my intake -- and the time before that -- and the time before that -- and I know, I know for a fact, that this habit is one of the fastest things that can turn me from a health-oriented goalmaker to a terrified self-loathing ED hysteric. Suddenly it's not enough to be within my range, I have to go below my range. I have to eat nothing but celery and drink nothing but water. I have to look like Keira Knightley or dear god, what use is my life???
So, um... needless to say, that is not at all a HAPPY mindset, never mind a healthy one. And it segues nicely into my next paragraph, which is my answer to the latest blog prompt: Is it easier to stick to a healthy lifestyle when you're single or in a relationship?
For me: when I'm single. Hands down. Single, single, single.
That may be unfair because I'm basing it partly on speculation, and the truth is, the last time I was single and worried about my weight was the time I started fasting all the time and taking copious handfuls of diet pills. But if I had my current frame of mind (albeit a fragile one to maintain), and no boyfriend? I think it might be easier.
And I'm not trying to "blame" my boyfriend for anything, and I'm definitely not trying to put him down; he's a terrific man, I am madly in love with him and I wouldn't trade him for the world. And lately he's even been -- off and on -- riding the Healthy Lifestyle horse with me. But it's the "off" moments that sometimes start a downward trend: pizza and calzones on a regular basis, salted peanuts and almonds for snacks, the occasional baguette with spinach dip at 9:00 PM. Since I'm already a constant snacker at heart, it's tough to turn these things down. And what's worse, if I do turn them down he starts to feel like I'm "no fun", too fixated on nutrition and weight loss to ever loosen up and enjoy "fun" foods. He's usually open to suggestions on what would make a healthier snack than salted nuts or store-bought spinach dip (they certainly don't use low fat mayonnaise, let me tell you). But not always.
And when I take it too far, well... He later apologized and said he hadn't realized how unsensitive it was at the time, but a while back when I was still struggling with EDs, he was constantly frustrated and irritable about the whole subject of weight loss and at one point told me, "This fixation on weight loss is the most unattractive thing about you."
Anyway, for the last few months he's actually been making his own effort to live more healthfully -- small changes in diet, a little more exercise each day -- and he's already seen results in both numbers on the scale and spare inches in the waistline. So maybe in the long run we'll be in the same mindset and having him for support will actually make it easier to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Of course we have to ACHIEVE a healthy lifestyle before we can stick to it.
Which brings me full circle: it's time to start recording my intake.