Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I have been so EXHAUSTED today...! A day filled with long boring meetings during which I find myself having to startle myself back to life now and then. Later there was much running around and my heart just wasn't IN it like usual.
Ater a while I shook my head and wondered, what the heck is going on with me...?!?!
Then it dawned on me...I'll bet I forgot to take my medication! It happens rarely, but now and then...I usually keep a back up dose at work for those days, but I'd used it some time ago and hadn't bothered to "re-stock" myself.
To verify I called home to have my DW check my weekly pill boxes and sure enough...forgot 'em!
Back in the bad old days of the early 1990's when I allowed myself to balloon to 450 pounds I developed congestive heart failure, required hospitalization and all. This lead to my stomach-stapling (gastroplasty) in 1992 after which I lost a bunch of weight, after which I gained a lot of it back. I just wasn't ready to make a lifestyle change at that time, unfortunately.
One of the by-products of developing congestive heart failure was the need for 1) cardizem and 2) theophylline. Oh, and add to the mix a wicked sleep apnea...CPAP cured that, FINALLY. I still take those medications, along with my vitamins & allergy pills, to this day. My primary care doc has begun to whittle the dosages down, however should I ever FORGET to take these in the morning I still continue to find my energy levels drop and drop...dragging my sorry behind through the day.
I find this so sobering in that I realize that I did terrible harm to myself by allowing myself to become so huge...and that harm still exists, despite having lost SO much weight. True, these conditions have improved remarkably, but I'm finding that I continue to depend on medications to feel okay...my body can't do it by itself anymore.
There was a scene in Last Chance Harvey (quasi-spoiler alert for anyone who plans to see the movie) in which Dustin Hoffman is ready for his big day in life but his heart gives out on him and he is derailed to the hospital for a few days. Yes, it's a happy ending and all's well that ends well...BUT!
I realized then that I am DONE with ever doing ANYTHING to risk blowing it for myself by doing ANYTHING that causes a preventable ailment to block me from achieving my dreams!