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I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

As I was sitting here thinking of what i wanted to write out to explain how I am feeling today this song from Kevin Sharp came on and the lyrics really seemed to hit me. these lines of the lyric especially fit todays feelings
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
But these four walls close in more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

It seems as I sit here I feel all alone, I am really struggling because i have decided that i can no longer continue my relationship with Don, my relationship with my mother is broken and i am not sure if we can ever put it back together because I do not reallly need to have the negativity that she brings around me. I am so sick of being told I told you so, and about how messed up I have made my life. Doesn't she think that I know how messed up I am? No one knows it better than me I live with it every single day! I am so depressed I do not know what to think anymore. I was seeing a therapist who was really helping me deal with things but apparently I am good at hiding my true feelings because she somehow thinks I am doing so much better when in truth I am feeling alot worse about myself than I did when I first started seeing her. I guess it is because she made me really look at what I was doing to myself and the things I needed to fix. I guess this really makes me feel worse becuase i guess I really am messed up. I don't know what I was expecting from her maybe to tell me that I wasn't as messed up as I thought I was. Who knows? anyways, because she thought I was doing so much better she said I no longer needed to see her. I definately DO NOT agree! I am so ready to just end my messed up life right now, I am so sick of making everyone around suffer. Let me explain, over the last couple of weeks since I decided I needed to leave Don due to the physical violence I have really struggled on how I was going to be able to do this. along time ago I promised I would not be like his ex and move out secretly while he was at work. I told him he would know if I was going to leave. well, then the last couple of weeks I regretted making that decision becuase i was not sure what would happen if I told him. Well, my chance came last night because I told him a family member was sick and I needed to go see them. I told him I would be gone until may because i was going to enroll in classes while i was there. well, I guess that did not go over too well, he didn't say much but he did say "if you want to leave then leave!" he also told me that "my house does not have a revolving door so if you leave you are not welcome back" I guess it was not the reaction I was expecting I feel so torn up because i made him cry last night. I do not know how he will be mentally once I leave I worry he might try to kill himself. anyways, I just feel all I ever do is hurt those closest to me. I am afraid to stay somewhere too long or get too attached to someone because I am afraid fo getting hurt. now I am really feeling like I am dying inside, I feel like I have to be strong though because if I am not then I might change my mind and stay in this situation and this is NOT a healthy relationship. Don is emotionally, Physically, and mentally abusive. he is always telling me that i am nothing and constantly reminds me of everything we can no longer do because of the wheelchair. we can't camp, hike, etc. He is also telling me I am wasting my time with school because I won't be a good teacher because I couldn't deal with Samantha. maybe he is right but I want to find that out on my own, you know. anyways, I also weighed in this morning and feel like a failure in that area as well, it seems no matter what i do I gain weight. I have done so good with my eating all week staying away from the sweets ever since the ding dong incident and everything. it seems it is all for nothing because I have gained 2 more pounds this week. I am so ready to give up! How the heck am I supposed to stay motivated when all the methods that have worked for me in the past 7 years no longer work. I have got to do something. I am going to focus on drinking my water (13 cups) and getting exercise for this week (at least 3 days of 20 mins of cardio, and 2 days of strength training). I am also going to plan out my diet for this week and stay within ranges all week. TODAY IS DAY 1 ON MY NEW ME PLAN!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Becky, remember who you are in Christ. As a parent, I know you want the world for your little girl, believe it or not God wants even more for you, He wants the very best for you, as His child. Draw near to Christ and trust in him he WILL see you through. The Lord has promised what the enemy has tried to use for evil He WILL turn around for good. I know it's hard to see how any good at all can come out of your experiences but the type of help you may be able to give others because of your experience will be invaluable, just like the advice you have been given by others on this blog who have gone through the same thing.

    Heb 4:14 Inasmuch then as we have a great High Priest Who has ascended and passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession [of faith in Him].

    15 For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.

    16 Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us), that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it].

    Please be strong and take it moment by moment if you have to. Don't let discouragement take hold of you.

    Romans 8: 31 What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?)

    32 He who did not withhold or spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all things?

    33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect when it is God Who justifies

    34 Who is there to condemn [us]? Will Christ Jesus, Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of God actually pleading as He intercedes for us?

    35 Who shall ever separate us from Christ's love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword?

    36 Even as it is written, For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep for the slaughter.

    37 Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.

    38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers,

    39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord

    I just wanted to give you a few scriptures you can hold on to, that you can meditate on day and night. I do not know what you have been through and I can not even begin to imagine how hard it is to want to love someone and believe them, but know in your heart they are not right for you. The Lord knows what you are going through just lean on him and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope to see all the accomplishments you have made in the very near future.

    God has a plan for you!
    Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

    God Bless, Dena
    Jer 33:3 Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.'

    3320 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/18/2009 1:24:16 PM
    Becky, my dear girl!! I PROMISE you that this too, shall pass. Please hold on. Reach out to everyone you do have in your life. Two pounds is a little, tiny problem that you can make go awy in a week. Maybe not this week because you have more important things to think about. But sweetie, seriously, I have been where you are. No promise you made to Don is valid any longer. I am sure he promised you repeatedly "it" would not happen again. You MUST, MUST, MUST leave.It's the ONLY way you will be able to put yourself back togather, my friend. You CAN do it. It WILL be hard. But please, my friend, do it NOW.
    3320 days ago
    Becky...Becky. I know this is from Tuesday. I know it's 4 days later and it's Saturday. I usually don't have time to sit around and read blogs until the weekend, but I wish I would have looked earlier this week.

    You have to give your plan more than a week to see results. So, you've gained 2 pounds and you've been doing what you should. Giving up will not make you happy.

    Sometimes Becky you have to look at your focus. Long range and short range.

    It is good to have a long term goal. That also would be your long range focus. Just because you gain 2 pounds and you have been compliant shouldn't make you change your short term focus because you don't feel as if you'll ever reach your goal.

    Look at your goal as your destination. Look at what you do as your journey to your goal. There are no rules that say you cannot enjoy the journey to your destination and in most travels, the most joy a person derives from their travels is not isolated in the destination, but in the journey itself.

    Embrace yourself. You know right from wrong. You know the solid, tested path to success. Just because you don't see results in the short term you shouldn't give up. Day in and day out, week after week, month after month, if you continue the healthy habits you know that are right, you will see results.

    Take care Becky and don't quit. Start enjoying your journey and it will make the trip to the destination a little more pleasant for you.

    I read the following article and you popped into my mind...


    3321 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/18/2009 8:45:47 AM
    Like everyone else is telling you, you need to leave now. Don't feel bad if he cried. How many times has he made you cry? That's just a ploy to make you feel sorry for him and stay. IF you would have said o.k. I'll stay with you, his attitude would have gone right back to the way it was. My abuser cried all the time. But when I stopped caring if he cried, he would get mad and his real feeling came out. Please call the hot line. They can help you leave. Also, I'll say it again, if you do leave, have someone there. Friends, police, or an advocate. Don't do this alone. You have so many people here that cares about you so you never have to feel like you're doing this by yourself. Just please, please take our advice. You will be in my prayers.
    3324 days ago
    First of all, you need a HUGE HUG: **HUG!!**

    Second of all, listen to yourself. The relationship is VERY abusive. I've been there. I was married for three years to a guy who was physically, verbally and mentally abusive. Your counselor needs to listen to you, especially now!! Please call their office and book an appointment. Also, remember that this is NOT your fault. I know it's really hard now, but you CAN get through this. It DOES get easier. I think that right now you need to focus on your mental health. The food and exercise will happen, but you're in a place where you need to focus on your issues. Verbal, mental and physical abuse is something that NO ONE should have to go through-but you're stronger than you think. Remember you have TONS of support. If you want to talk, SparkMail me. BUT PLEASE, make an appointment RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS, it will get better. Breathe.

    3324 days ago
    You are in my thoughts & prayers. I agree with everyone else.......PLEASE get help, talk to your therapist, if you can't talk about your true feelings, print out this blog and take it with you. Wishing you all the best and PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP!!!! HUGS
    3324 days ago
    Beckey, you absolutely MUST seek help now. Please either call your therapist or find a Christian therapist immediately. You are a worthy and admirable young woman; I can see that much just from your spark page. Please don't wait another moment to find someone to talk with. You deserve a good life and God wants you to have it.

    As for school, I work at a college and we have two students who are wheel-chair bound, two are deaf, and four are blind; and it does not hold them back at all. If you want to go to school, there are resources available to help you have the accommodations you need. I know that you can do it. Please enroll in school and pursue your dream. The support you need is out there and with God's help, you can one day be a teacher if that is your dream. Don't let anything hold you back; get the support of a therapist now and soon things will seem much better.

    God bless you. You will be in my prayers.
    3324 days ago
    BECCA--I am so sorry that you are in this situation--the best I can personally do is to pray that you will be all right..NEVER STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP !!! An abuser is usally a control freak and they usually have a low self esteem!. That's why they have to try to put you down. You are a good and strong person---you are intelligent and there is MUCH you can do with your life---even from a wheel chair.
    Listen to these comments.

    We care about you and want to see you get help and to help yourself. We want to support you in every way we can. That's what spark friends are for!! God Bless. Ginny emoticon
    3324 days ago
    Hi Becca... I'm sorry your feeling so low!
    First of all, don't let him make you feel guilty, sweetheart. YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANYONE BUT YOU!! Worrying about what he does after you leave is a form of co-dependancy. It's NOT your concern... YOUR concern should be with YOU and your safety!!

    I agree with everyone else on this blog... you need to call your therapist and explain the situation. DON'T WAIT, as other's have already told you. Do it TODAY!!!!!!
    There is only one BECCA, and you need to take care of yourself!!

    He is trying to manipulate and frighten you... what if this was a man speaking to your child... what would you advise her to do??? Be honest with yourself, and then, do what you know is right!!
    We'll be here every step of the way!!!!!!!!!!

    3325 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are going through all that. Please know that we are here for you, even if we can't physically be there to help you work through it! You have made a good decision to leave someone who is abusive to you. There is a book a dear friend of me told me about called Women Who Love Too Much. It has a lot of good information about why we pick the men we do and why we keep getting into bad relationships. Maybe it will help. I pray God blesses you with His peace and grace and favor and that He guid you where you need to be.
    3325 days ago
    GET HELP!!
    >Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

    Please do not be a victim any longer. He has abused before...he will abuse again. This is not your fault. As an abuse survivor I can say strongly enough. GET HELP!!
    Father, God, I lift up this precious child of yours today. Send bands of Angels, Lord to protect her from her abuser. Open her eyes. Lord and show her that she is precious in Your eyes. Help her, Father to find the strength she needs to end this abuse. Father, You and I know that abuse is not of You. It is of Satan. We bind any abuse in her life! We revoke Satan's hold on her. Free her Father and send people into her life to help heal her and keep her safe. I ask in the presious name of Jesus! Amen
    3325 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/13/2009 6:28:35 PM
    HI AGAIN!! I hope you are seeing that you have a lot of people who sincerely care about you as a person. I have been around abusive people before.. A LOT. He is the one with the problem.. not you. GOD is carrying you now so PLEASE let him help and guide you to get the right kind of help for your situation. If you are in danger GO somewhere ask people for help. You will be amazed how many others have gone through the same thing so do not be ashamed or embaressed to reach out for help. WE ALL LOVE YOU even if we do not know you personally!! laceEjo11 emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3325 days ago
    Hey lovely lady -

    Just know that we are praying for you. Your therapist defnitely needs to know what is going on.

    Don has the classic signs of an abuser, as I am sure you well know. Do not give in to the guilt trip or the tears. They are ploys to get you to do what he wants. Is there a shelter you could go to?

    Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
    11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    3325 days ago

    I don't like you feeling this way. You need to call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255

    I am not qualified to help you, no matter how much I wish I could. Call your Therapist, be HONEST. She isn't going to be shocked or surprised at anything you tell her, and she will keep it confidential. Drop everything and call someone!

    NOW. You are too precious to lose!
    3325 days ago
    Hi Im Jen
    First of all. Gods Mercy is new every morning! No one is perfect or without sin no not one! Second of all new beginnings can be scary and bring fear.....when you know God He says fear not for I am with you always you are never alone. My dear girl....You are rightious in Gods eyes when you are His child....yOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO COME TO HIM...GO TO HIM JUST AS YOU ARE.
    A comment about someone who is abusive....Guilt and tearing the other person down is how they continue to wheel you in so that you are controlled by them and your own guilt they place on you as well....Stick to your decision to go to school and stick to what is best for you!!!
    3325 days ago
    HI SKINNY1DAY!! I hope you find yourself a CHRISTIAN counselor RIGHT AWAY!! I'm praying for you HON!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3325 days ago
    Stay strong and don't worry about him, start worrying about you!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Noone should have to deal with ANY emotional or physical abuse. No matter how alone you may feel, there are people who care about you!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! emoticon
    3325 days ago
    Becca I think you need to take a copy of this blog to your therapist. You need to continue seeing her. And be honest with her and not try to hide anything. The only way your going to get better is work on the pain you have on the inside. Until that is recovered you will be on this rollercoaster the rest of your life. We all have issues and have to learn to deal with the emotional along with the weight loss.

    susan emoticon
    3325 days ago
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