Wednesday, January 07, 2009
As I read your blogs and answers to message boards, and as I continue to release weight it triggers different layers in my pysche that have not yet been completely resolved. Its like we make a change for the better, and we have another layer of stuff to deal with. It's very similar to peeling an onion. There is always another layer, but each layer we peel away we get closer to the real me, the Daughter of God, the woman that God wants me to be.
We are the sum total of our experiences both good and bad.
I heard once that feelings buried alive never die, and I believe that is true.
So here I am at another layer, the mother daughter connection. First off, I want to say that by many standards, I have a wonderful mother. It's just that we are born to this mortal condition. Our mothers are imperfect and so are we. The Lord sent me to two good parents who were imperfect. That was part of my package of learning to recognize the good from the evil. They did the best they could with the knowledge and experience that they had, but they didn't always do everything perfect and as such I received some bruises that needed healing along the way. Each generation tries hard not to repeat the mistakes of the past generation only to make their own set of mistakes.
Scene 1 - My mother, though a good woman, was frumpy. She didn't do to much to take care of herself and let herself go. For many years I was angry at that. I was embarrassed by that. And yet I have some aunts the exact opposite and I was actually frightened by that. They were ornery. I guess my mother choose this path as a rebellion of her ornery sister.
One of the reasons why I was angry with my mother was I didn't want to be like her, I didn't want her health problems. etc. etc.
I have since recognized that she is the product of her own choices. Just because she is my mother doesn't mean I have to make the same choices she did.
And in making that recognition it has also helped me to have a better relationship with her. Instead of constantly criticizing her, I can now say, "That's her. That's the choices she made. I need to accept her for that, but I don't need to make those same choices."
Scene 2- I found my grandmother's history.(my grandmother died 30 or more years ago) The history was wonderful. It was written in first person and was in so much detail. I mentioned that to my mother and my mother could only say, "Well she left out so many details."
What my mother was really saying was that no matter how wonderful my grandmother was , there were areas in my mother's life that my grandmother made mistakes, or was not able to nurture the way my mother wanted nurturing.
My mother will not make pie crust because my Grandmother used to always criticize my mother about her pie crusts.
My mother doesn't like to decorate Christmas trees because my aunt would always critique how my mother did it, and my mother felt that Grandma should have stepped in and spared her that humiliation. etc.
Scene 3- Now my daughter is coming back and criticizing me for the way I raised her. I will admit that life was not perfect. We had our share of teasing, and nagging in my house. But we had good times too, just as I did in my youth and my mother did in her youth.
Somewhere inside of all this mother daughter relationship baggage we each carry around with us, we have to be greatful for the good times, and not forget that we had those good times as we sort through the hurts of our past.
Even in the not so good times we need to be greatful for those as well, for they also have shaped us to be who we are today.
If I wanted to idealize my mother in all aspects of her life, I would not be working so hard to make healthy choices. Because I was embarrassed by her choices, I am now consciously making better choices for me.
We try so hard not to make the same mistakes our parents made that we make our own set of mistakes.
But that is one of the problems of earth life, or mortality. We make mistakes we cannot completely fix.
I have faith in the atonement to help me fix and heal what I cannot do on my own, and I have faith that the atonement will heal my daughter of my mistakes as soon as she is ready to reach out to her Savior to heal her. That's all anyone can ask for.
Someday I hope that my daughter will see that we had some good times as well. I never meant to hurt her.
Soon enough she will learn that because she also has a daughter, and the cycle is repeated.
Thank heaven for the Christ and the wonderful gospel plan. A plan fo healing and hope.