THE BIG, HUGE MONSTER THING
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I write this blog post very cautiously because, frankly, it is a bit overwhelming to try on this thinking.
Yesterday, as I am apt to do, I was surfing this site and saw a team for a tv show called “Ruby” on Style tv. Because my boss is out for a few days with an injury, I have a great deal of free time during the workday, and, since MSN was running the season pilot for this show, I decided to watch it.
For those unfamiliar, it is a series documenting the weight loss journey of 475 pound Ruby, a Savannah, Georgia woman. It is both motivating and interesting.
During the course of the first episode, one of the segments focuses on the initial visit to her new psychologist, and the revelation that Ruby cannot recall any memories for the first 12 years of her life. This is where they were about to lose me.
I groaned inwardly and thought, ‘oh, here we go, another overweight person about to blame her overeating on childhood sexual abuse. Such crap’. I say this from the perspective of someone who suffered the same fate in early childhood.
Even after my own psychotherapy adventures, bouts of depression, antidepressants, etcetera, I just could not find any connection to that in my own mind. No, I knew better. Obviously, I just liked to have a party in my mouth and enjoyed food too much.
And then it happened. CLICK. Just like they say. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.
It wasn’t the ABUSE. It was the POWERLESSNESS I felt over my own body and situation. I believed I had no POWER to stop it from happening. I was only 4. He was 27. And tall. And strong. And everyone thought he was wonderful. I was SCREWED and POWERLESS. It was a scary feeling. Shameful, too. ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT POWER.
BUT, I could put food in my mouth. Nobody cared about that. I could eat what I wanted. Not eat what I didn’t want. I held all the power. There and only there.
This one thought has given me so much to think over. It entered my dreams last night and manifested itself in a “forced to go on a crappy trip with my parents with no escape” scenario. Trapped. Powerless.
BUT, this time, in THIS dream, I made a phone call. And someone was coming to get me.
Could this be the answer? Was this the trigger? My mind feels like a kaleidoscope right now.