Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.


    GMWAITE   7,697
SparkPoints
7,000-8,499 SparkPoints
 
 
THE BIG, HUGE MONSTER THING

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I write this blog post very cautiously because, frankly, it is a bit overwhelming to try on this thinking.

Yesterday, as I am apt to do, I was surfing this site and saw a team for a tv show called “Ruby” on Style tv. Because my boss is out for a few days with an injury, I have a great deal of free time during the workday, and, since MSN was running the season pilot for this show, I decided to watch it.

For those unfamiliar, it is a series documenting the weight loss journey of 475 pound Ruby, a Savannah, Georgia woman. It is both motivating and interesting.

During the course of the first episode, one of the segments focuses on the initial visit to her new psychologist, and the revelation that Ruby cannot recall any memories for the first 12 years of her life. This is where they were about to lose me.

I groaned inwardly and thought, ‘oh, here we go, another overweight person about to blame her overeating on childhood sexual abuse. Such crap’. I say this from the perspective of someone who suffered the same fate in early childhood.

Even after my own psychotherapy adventures, bouts of depression, antidepressants, etcetera, I just could not find any connection to that in my own mind. No, I knew better. Obviously, I just liked to have a party in my mouth and enjoyed food too much.

And then it happened. CLICK. Just like they say. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

It wasn’t the ABUSE. It was the POWERLESSNESS I felt over my own body and situation. I believed I had no POWER to stop it from happening. I was only 4. He was 27. And tall. And strong. And everyone thought he was wonderful. I was SCREWED and POWERLESS. It was a scary feeling. Shameful, too. ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT POWER.

BUT, I could put food in my mouth. Nobody cared about that. I could eat what I wanted. Not eat what I didn’t want. I held all the power. There and only there.

This one thought has given me so much to think over. It entered my dreams last night and manifested itself in a “forced to go on a crappy trip with my parents with no escape” scenario. Trapped. Powerless.

BUT, this time, in THIS dream, I made a phone call. And someone was coming to get me.

Could this be the answer? Was this the trigger? My mind feels like a kaleidoscope right now.
SHARE
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOSTONDOGS 1/6/2009 12:07PM

    Girlfriend, this is the best news you have given me in our entire 25 year friendship. You knew there was supposed to be a connection between the abuse and the food and self-esteem issues in your life but it was only an intellectual awareness. It hadn't really sunk in that this applied to you too. Your mind protected itself from a very terrible part of your past as long as it needed too. You have now found some new kind of strength that has allowed your mind to let this connection occur. You have made the breakthrough!

Let yourself recover the memories. They are only memories and can no longer hurt you. At the core you are strong and solid -- if you feel shaky, it will be temporary. You have cracked yourself open to reveal the real you. The ability to see things as they really are is now yours.

Though my abuse was physical, it's the same sense of having no control over what happens to me. You know how I always have to feel like I am the one in charge of the situation. That gets exhausting fast.

I was going to mention the Ruby show to you. I just started watching it myself on Sunday and was sticking with it because she is a very compelling character and I was curious as to what could have been so horri ble that she couldn't recall huge chunks of her childhood. That kind of amnesia is a real clue of childhood trauma of some kind. If she has the courage to make the connection you just did, she will be a huge hero to thousands of us.

I am so thrilled for you. After I made my connection the world opened up to me in a safe and welcoming way. My stress and anxiety problems have been greatly reduced. This is like having another birthday!! Please keep letting us know how you're doing with this.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post


Log in to post a comment.
 


Other Entries by GMWAITE