Saturday, January 03, 2009
So how is it that after losing 70lbs, someone can completely destroy all your confidence boosting efforts in a matter of minutes?
My heart is pumping, my stomach is churning, and my blood is rushing.
My friend just basically poured his heart out to my best friend (while I sat in the room pretending to sleep) about the fact that I'm 'perfect' from the chest up, that I definitely don't have a flat stomach, that I shouldn't be wearing clothes that hug my body, and that men only want me for one thing. It was the most devastating blow to my self esteem in the past year.
I know that this should not affect the way I think about myself and that he definitely doesn't even have a place to say anything (since he's 32 and still single, obviously doesn't know how to speak to or treat a woman) but it's still hard when you've worked your butt off for 12 months only to be told (sort of) that it's not good enough and that you won't be wanted because you have a 'belly.' Is it fair. No.
I think the thing that bugged me the most was the fact that he didn't think I worked hard. He didn't believe that I was hardcore at the gym. He thinks I'm lazy. He told me so himself a week ago.
I seriously think it's pathetic that I care so much about what he thinks but maybe this will be fuel. Maybe this will reignite that spark under my butt to get rid of the last 40 pounds.
Want to know something absolutely ridiculous? I used to like this guy. Actually like him, romantically, sexually, whatever. and for what? God. I'm a loser. It's 20/20 hindsight.