I have decided that this year, I am going to work on getting healthy and accepting myself as I am. I have been lurking for a while on various FA (fat acceptance) blogs and websites, and I think I'm beginning to get it. I will stop putting off the things I want to do with my life because I'm fat. I will stop thinking "when I lose a size, I can wear that kind of thing" or "when I'm under 200, I'll try hiking/biking/camping/swimming
/LIVING!" I'm sick of being unhappy with the person I am.
That said, I am unhealthy. Being unable to enjoy doing the things I love because they hurt is not what I want either. So, my goal, resolution, whatever is to LIVE well and healthily. This means taking more walks with my husband because we enjoy them. This means not getting junk for dinner because it never tastes good enough to make up for how sick it makes us, and it's way too expensive. This means using my YMCA membership because I have suddenly found myself with no friends, and the people there are generally pretty friendly. This means getting my health (not my weight, necessarily) under control so that I can get pregnant, and hopefully introduce my grandpa to one last great-grandbaby before he dies. This means that I will be taking down my weight ticker and hiding my scale, that I will ask my doctor not to tell me my weight (if I can get him to stop blaming everything on it). This means that I will work toward being in the shape I need to be in to run without pain, because the 10 minutes of it before my ankle sprained felt WONDERFUL. And I think this means that I will be refraining from participation in BLC-9. Not because I don't love the people, but because I don't love the demoralization of a bad weigh in (not from the teams or the members, but from my end).
The greatest thing it means, though, is that I will be on my way to actually loving myself. Loving the fact that I'm shy around strangers, but embarrassingly frank after about an hour. Loving that I can play clarinet badly, viola pretty well, and piano a little bit. Loving the fact that I will never be outgoing, even if I'm thin. Loving that I have big, strong bones that have survived everything I've put them through and then some. Loving that my hair is short and brown, but in great condition and growing strong. Loving the fact that I can eat! What I want and when I want. Because, turns out, I'm a pretty healthy eater when I get the junk food and nut-jobs out of my house. Loving the fact that I have a husband who has put up with my weight-loss craziness for a long time, and has always, turns out, supported me being happy. Me being me. And loving that I know no matter what, that no SIZE will ever look as good as HEALTHY feels.
Happy New Year, everyone!!!
Oh! And here's a link to the new public blog I'm starting.