For several months now, I have been struggling and haven't been able to put my finger on the reason for it. Up to about three weeks ago I still daily watched what I eated, but then even that fell apart. Exercise - what is that - nothing for me I've been to tired whe I get home and finish pushing kids to do HW, washing dishes/clothes, picking up and making dinner. Then last night after work and today as I rushed exhausted around (while DH played games upstairs, kids did whatever and FIL watched TV in his room) trying to finish getting ready for christmas and making Sweet Potatoes for dinner with DH's aunt I got it. FIL actually came into kitchen all dressed to go as I finished food and told ME to call his sister and tell her we'd be late - he couldn't even pick up phone and dial it himself! Yes I got it!! What I was missing that important motivating element - ME or more to the point putting at least part of the day and importance of it for ME. I had lost that small selfishness that allowed me to put me first!

In hindsight I can see it started when Jim's mom got sick, then his dad and slowly I gave up that small seed I had started to grow of me a few years prior that I was worth working on. I let myself turn back into that person that did everything so my family didn't have to do it. DH comes up, goes upstairs and starts playing well past when I go to sleep. Any request for him to turn off game and I get made up stuff about how I once kept him awake watching TV so it's ok for him to keep me up (yes my repeated migraines are sleep deprived ones but that doesn't matter). Yep that shup me up and I realize it just emphasis this old believe that I don't matter, only others do. For months now we have been putting our needs aside for DH father - again that emphasis that I don't matter! My birthday on Monday was a perfect example, instead of getting to sleep in I had to be up at 5 to go to church with FIL at 6:30 - he had arranged for the priest to say a blessing for MIL (she died that day 2 years ago), then to storage to get FIL's decorations that he had to have on tree. I even had to give up going to barn to ride because he needed someone to take him to Dr and Costco. In otherwords instead of a day off where I got to do something for me it was for others.

Well it's not suprising that I now find myself in this situation, I have always been a people pleaser who put myself last. If I don't matter, then trying to be healthy would be a way of saying I do matter and that would be going agaist what I and this life situation has been telling me.

So today, December 25th it stops. I do matter! I will allow myself to be first for a part of each day. No more working through lunches! No more missing working out or going to barn on weekends. I will schedule time to be healthy and will not feel guilty about taking an hour a day or two on weekends for myself. I will take the time to put what I eat into Sparks! I will reach out for support form my fellow Sparkers. I will get healthier this year for ME, because I do matter.
And I hope if you see me slipping back into that "I don't matter" believe call me on it! PLEASE.