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Friday, December 05, 2008



My mom flew off to Oneida, New York today and has now moved there. I live near San Diego, CA. My mom is one of the hardest people to be around, and not just the normal mother daughter conflicts. Even when she lived 20 minutes away I rarely saw or heard from her more than once every few months. So, I thought it'd be easy if she left. I suppressed any fears I had and figured I'd be fine. However, I've always longed for a normal family, normal interaction with my mom. And she's the only one I have. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Today was a hard day. I felt like I hadn't done anything because I didn't get a chance to work more on my resume, post for jobs, apply or follow up to progress in finding my new employment (since I was laid off). But, with the help of my husband, I went through the list of things I accomplished. I visited my mom before the shuttle came to get her, mailed a package for her after, picked up my nephew, dropped him off and visited my mother-in-law (brought donuts, OHMYGOODNESS), went to replace my wipers and get my burned out headlight replaced (turned out to be a loose connection so cost me less), took a lot of great pictures, and purchased and gifted my husband with a new hat for a combo anniversary/Christmas present.... And had my back bumper scraped up by someone that didn't leave a note, so I filed an insurance claim. (My deductible is $500 so I might not be able to fix it.) --But the car is driveable.

I'm trying with all my might to focus on the positives. Tomorrow I need to take all of my good intentions and really use the last day of the week WELL, and get some financial and employment things done.


I'm trying! I'm really trying to climb out of this hole!

...Here are some pictures from today....



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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
LINDOKAS 12/7/2008 11:18PM

    I love your pictures. You're amazing. I'm sorry about your mom. Those are the types of things that stay with you forever. It's hard...

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VEEJAY3 12/6/2008 11:27PM

    You're such a beautiful, introspective person. I love your reflective nature and how you're so honest with yourself and obviously trying not just to "climb out of this hole" but to understand life's twists and turns. That, alone, will bring you treasure. There's never actually the "perfect" relationship (or the "perfect" weight!), of course. I think we have to take comfort in just the pursuit.

Go forth and pursue, woman!!! Pursue!

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TRECECOOKS 12/6/2008 4:18PM

    I'm sorry that you feel bad.

Your pictures are lovely, and show that you have talent. I pray that suitable work turns up soon for you, pear sis!

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TANSHAN1 12/5/2008 10:22PM

    (((((Hugs)))))

emoticon

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RUNNING@MYPACE 12/5/2008 9:13PM

    (((HUGS))))

It is never easy saying goodbye. Maybe this will help the relationship get stronger! Maybe Mom is feeling this too! I am sorry to hear about the layoff and all that.( I don't get around SP very often I just keep to a few people ,I stay so busy with the kids sorry)
You are very strong and talented .. I love all your pics! Keep smiling even if you have to fake it eventually you'll forget you were faking it and just be smiling!

emoticon
Ijah

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SWEETZMIX 12/5/2008 5:42PM

    HANG IN THERE JOCE. I KNOW U ARE STRONG AND CAN DO THIS. TRY THE BEST U CAN AND NEVER GIVE UP. BTW THOSE PICS ARE NICE!!

LOTS OF emoticon

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WHITEIRIS717 12/5/2008 5:21PM

    Your photographs are beautiful! You did get a lot done today and I'm sure you'll find a way out of the hole.

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TELERIE 12/5/2008 3:29PM

    I agree with Pattie, Jespah said it. Listen to your smart husband and know that we're here for you, beautiful. You take some lovely photos.
Hope you have a good weekend, take care of you and here's a huge emoticon emoticon
Marit

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DONEPAT 12/5/2008 1:47PM

    Jespah said it all, and I cannot add to that.
(((((((HUGS))))))))))))


I wish you had a better relationship, and more of a "normal" family. But, I know I don't have to tell you- what may appear normal- on the surface, sometimes is NOT.

......Not that it makes it easier. Well, please know that WE love you and your beauty- inside and out. I hope that helps some.

You are doing so great- be proud and keep doing what you are doing.

You can so do this. I believe in you!

hugs,
Patty emoticon

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ZIRCADIA 12/5/2008 1:42PM

    I really like those pictures you took, and I'm glad your DH was good enough to help you realize the accomplishments you made today. Sometimes we focus on that one thing we didn't get done instead of acknowledging our progress. *HUGS* Hang in there!!!

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38HEATHERS 12/5/2008 1:33PM

    Hugs pretty girl. For everything there is a reason... hang in there.

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GINGER_LOSTALOT 12/5/2008 1:28PM

    emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/5/2008 1:26:19 PM

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GINGER_LOSTALOT 12/5/2008 1:28PM

    emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/5/2008 1:26:45 PM

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GINGER_LOSTALOT 12/5/2008 1:28PM

    I was having trouble with my browser, so feel free to delete the extra posts. emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/5/2008 1:27:31 PM

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GINGER_LOSTALOT 12/5/2008 1:27PM

    It's inspiring to see that despite the turmoil, you try to look up. I know the heartache of Mom moving away. And I know how much it stinks to walk out to your car to see that someone has damaged it. It's frustrating when there is little you can do about these problems. I have always turned to food to calm me, but we both know what that does. Lately, I've been trying other techniques. Listening to calming music, using aromatherapy, and even acupuncture has helped. Just talking my problems through out loud helps, and saying calm things to myself like The Lord's Prayer (sometimes over and over and over again).

Comment edited on: 12/5/2008 1:28:14 PM

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JEANNE0724 12/5/2008 1:18PM

    wonderful pictures, just hang in there, it always gets better. I have the same issues with my mom, she lives 6 blocks away, but I do not see her more than once or twice every 3 months. She has always filled her life with work, volunteering, and whoever her significant other is takes precedence over me and my family. I have had to over the years just learned to accept this is how she is, it is not me. and when I want to see her, I have to call and schedule..in doing this, it is a nice surprize when she calls or emails about something or wants to get togather. not saying there are not times it still doesn't get to me, but this is my way of coping, and trying to realize this is her problem not mine. but the older her and I get, the easier and better we get along, sorry for rambling, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone and things sometimes get better, take care, Jeanne

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PUMPKINFACE73 12/5/2008 11:19AM

    You take beautiful pictures Joce...and I know that nothing will stand in your way or take you from your goals...you are one of the most determined and strongest women I know...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!..have a great weekend honey xoxo


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ELFITZPA 12/5/2008 9:38AM

    Your pictures are beautiful.

I'm sorry to hear how your Mother's move left you feeling. The Mother/daughter relationship is so complex (and I think I have a pretty great one, but STILL) and we have so much of our own identity and self-worth tied up with our image of our Mother. I don't it doesn't help much, but I'm sending e-hugs!

And good luck with the job hunt. I just (somehow) survived a layoff but a lot of my friends haven't been so lucky. It's a scary time but it sounds like you're doing pretty well with the support of your husband. Kepp up the positivity!

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JESPAH 12/5/2008 8:35AM

    I think I love the tan flowers picture the best.

One thing I have found during this dark time of the year is that art seems to flow more readily, in whatever form it takes. I write and, yeah, I've been more flow-y with that. I also do watercolors on occasion, and now feel almost compelled to do them. The French call it "grisalle" -- it's the grey upon grey upon grey of the world. Or, in computerese, "grayscale".

I think that the remoteness was there even before your mother got on that plane. But there's something about means of transportation that make us all see the actual act of going all the more clearly. It just slams down with that much more finality.

It's also because this is your mother we are talking about. So the emotions run high no matter what happens. Even if you and your mother hadn't talked in 40 years, I bet you'd still be affected at her departure.

Your husband is right (he's a smart guy -- look who he chose to marry!): time to focus on the positives. Every accomplishment counts. You've got a lot of things going on at the same time, a lot of emotional balls in the air. I know you have it in you to be able to handle all of that. But sometimes, I know, it can be hard to see that in yourself.

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TRACYZABELLE 12/5/2008 5:10AM

    My mother and I do not talk (her choice) but it is her loss especailly since she misses out on her first grandchild who misses the fact that she has a grandmother who does not want her eihter. Now she talks and interacts with my siblings but like I said it is her loss as my Tanya is not only beautiful, kind hearted aND TALENTED BUT A REALLY GREAT KID! (oops)Each year I make a point of it to send her an email, maybe this year I will enclose pictures. She needs to get over it and be the mom she needs to be to me. I have an excellent relationship with my daughter, I mirror it after the relationship I had with my Nana and that I have with my Daddy. We are good people and we deserve to be appreciated and love

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