Monday, November 24, 2008
I look in the mirror everyday...I weigh myself often...I don't see anything different except the number on the scale going down and my clothes fitting better...but I still see my chunky self in the mirror when I look...I have a picture of myself at my anorexia peak to remind me never to go to the extreme again to lose weight.
In the picture, I see a fake smile and a skin and bone body covered up with a shirt and baggy sweater in July. My face is shallow and I know that my hair was starting to fall out in clumps and my vison was starting to change for the worse drastically fast...I look at that picture often, to remind myself to never get there again...that I need to fight two battles...the one that tells me to do it quick and the easy way...which of course sacrifices all the hard work I have done over the course of the year and the one that tells me to watch my diet properly and workout in a healthy manner. With a chronic back injury and bursitis in both my knees it would be a simple choice to pick the first method...but I have been there and it kills you in many ways. Not the choice I want to fall back into again.
And so I have stuck with plan B...working it off right. Yes, I am slow at losing weight...but it isn't from lack of commitment. Physically and emotionally it is tough...hearing people tell me that I am not losing weight fast makes me question my method sometimes and makes me feel like quitting...but I won't...I'm not a quitter anymore...nor am I a cheater...I will not cheat myself out of the chance to play harder and longer with my children...I will not cheat myself out of being active AND healthy...I will not quit until I have achieved my goal the right way even if it takes me 5 years...because I am doing it the way I am supposed to...Easy? No...I have fallen a few times because of what people have said but I have picked myself up every time to continue my journey and guess what? The weight has stayed off...it's falling off slowly but it has stayed off. Everyone one deserves a pat on the back for doing something like that.
And so after complaining to my hubby about how I am not seeing results in the mirror I was surprised when last week a friend pulled out some pictures to give me from 2 years ago...there I was at my peak weight of 199...with a face I didn't recognize...no way was that me! Look at my face...my arms...my glasses barely fit on my head the arms were so stretched out...my body barely fit into what I was wearing. No smile on my face but an empty roasting stick that held a marshmallow moments before. I look lost in thought much of the time. How could I have ever forgotten that was what I looked like?
I keep both pictures with me now...I am hoping to someday put a third picture in with them...Of course, like the other two pictures, it will be different. It will be me with a smile on my face, a real smile...I will be wearing clothes that fit properly, hiding nothing. I will look at that picture and know I am healthy and fit. I will be the real me...and I will have gotten there from doing the RIGHT thing.