redefining and (maybe) reenergizing
Monday, November 17, 2008
i hit a weird mark/milestone in this weightloss game that i didn't see coming. a little bit ago--a month, maybe? i can't even remember--i hit approximately 150lbs. that is (approximately) what i weighed in at my first year of college. that was my weight when i was 19 years old. when i lived in the dorm and grubbed on delicious mexican food with my friends at 2am when we were supposed to be pulling all-nighters studying. i weighed 150 when i was super tan and super active from hours of college marching band every week. it's what i weighed when i had the occasional "girls weekend" with my dorm buddies and we shopped at forever 21 and showed each other how we looked in different outfits in the dressing rooms.*
this has had a number of strange and unanticipated effects on my diet/exercise regimen. first, it made me oddly nostalgic for a time in my life I don't think about all that much anymore. not that it wasn't a blast, but i tend to get a little on the depressed side thinking about a time like that, that was so much fun, and is now long past. faces and places i'll never see again, and a general longing for my hometown of tucson, not to mention that my time in the bay area has outlived its usefulness and i should be hatching a scheme to get the f outta here and go home soon. see? not good for moving forward.
and that idea of "moving forward" leads me to the more damning #2 on the list of strange effects: i stopped wanting/trying to lose weight. i feel like i have my 19 year old body back. how much more can a person really ask for? i realized at the time that it's not perfect, and i wanted to be skinnier back then, too. but it was a time when i was far less self-conscious, when i had a lot of energy and that post-high school joie de vivre that my mid-20s just haven't delivered. i wasn't happy with the way i looked back then, but i was content. and i feel content with it again. and i like this feeling.
maybe what this is really telling me is that the theory out there about our bodies defaulting to a certain size has some truth to it. since i hit 150, i almost stopped exercising entirely. i went back to normal eating--i don't binge on bad stuff, but i don't avoid it either. and i've been maintaining it perfectly, even dipping down below 150. i remember one weekend i ate TWO egg, cheese and sausage mcgriddles at something like 2,000,000 calories apiece, and the following monday when i weighed in was the first time i had dipped as low as 148. so who knows.
there's only really been one big thing still keeping me interested in the weightloss game. yep, sadly, #3 on my list of unexpecteds is that i've become somewhat of a shopaholic. size 10 (and sometimes 8!!) is a helluva lot better than size 12, and M is better BY FAR than L/XL. i used to hate shopping, but now i can't seem to pass by a shop window that says "sale" without going in to try a few things on. it can still be discouraging, but just the fact that i can brave smaller sections is a high. i'm doing better at thrift stores too, because more stuff fits. i can't help but think how much fun it will be when even MORE stuff fits me. right?
so onwards and upwards i suppose. 150 ain't awful, but the other day i stepped on the scale and it read a miraculous 147. it made me think, maybe if i start it up again i can turn some heads when i go home for the holidays. more importantly, as happy as i'd been at 150, 147 sort of woke me up by making me even happier. imagine that.
*author's note: yeah, i was 150 my freshman year of college, but that WAS the second semester, after that inevitable first-semester freshman weight gain. i'm sure i'm sugar coating my sentiment here, because i remember being at the doctor's and having that weight read to me, and me being somewhat discouraged by it. also, i think the whole girls-weekend-forever 21-clothes buying thing happened all of one time. maybe twice. oh well, memories are always best through the rose-colored glasses, aren't they?