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redefining and (maybe) reenergizing

Monday, November 17, 2008

i hit a weird mark/milestone in this weightloss game that i didn't see coming. a little bit ago--a month, maybe? i can't even remember--i hit approximately 150lbs. that is (approximately) what i weighed in at my first year of college. that was my weight when i was 19 years old. when i lived in the dorm and grubbed on delicious mexican food with my friends at 2am when we were supposed to be pulling all-nighters studying. i weighed 150 when i was super tan and super active from hours of college marching band every week. it's what i weighed when i had the occasional "girls weekend" with my dorm buddies and we shopped at forever 21 and showed each other how we looked in different outfits in the dressing rooms.*

this has had a number of strange and unanticipated effects on my diet/exercise regimen. first, it made me oddly nostalgic for a time in my life I don't think about all that much anymore. not that it wasn't a blast, but i tend to get a little on the depressed side thinking about a time like that, that was so much fun, and is now long past. faces and places i'll never see again, and a general longing for my hometown of tucson, not to mention that my time in the bay area has outlived its usefulness and i should be hatching a scheme to get the f outta here and go home soon. see? not good for moving forward.

and that idea of "moving forward" leads me to the more damning #2 on the list of strange effects: i stopped wanting/trying to lose weight. i feel like i have my 19 year old body back. how much more can a person really ask for? i realized at the time that it's not perfect, and i wanted to be skinnier back then, too. but it was a time when i was far less self-conscious, when i had a lot of energy and that post-high school joie de vivre that my mid-20s just haven't delivered. i wasn't happy with the way i looked back then, but i was content. and i feel content with it again. and i like this feeling.

maybe what this is really telling me is that the theory out there about our bodies defaulting to a certain size has some truth to it. since i hit 150, i almost stopped exercising entirely. i went back to normal eating--i don't binge on bad stuff, but i don't avoid it either. and i've been maintaining it perfectly, even dipping down below 150. i remember one weekend i ate TWO egg, cheese and sausage mcgriddles at something like 2,000,000 calories apiece, and the following monday when i weighed in was the first time i had dipped as low as 148. so who knows.

there's only really been one big thing still keeping me interested in the weightloss game. yep, sadly, #3 on my list of unexpecteds is that i've become somewhat of a shopaholic. size 10 (and sometimes 8!!) is a helluva lot better than size 12, and M is better BY FAR than L/XL. i used to hate shopping, but now i can't seem to pass by a shop window that says "sale" without going in to try a few things on. it can still be discouraging, but just the fact that i can brave smaller sections is a high. i'm doing better at thrift stores too, because more stuff fits. i can't help but think how much fun it will be when even MORE stuff fits me. right?

so onwards and upwards i suppose. 150 ain't awful, but the other day i stepped on the scale and it read a miraculous 147. it made me think, maybe if i start it up again i can turn some heads when i go home for the holidays. more importantly, as happy as i'd been at 150, 147 sort of woke me up by making me even happier. imagine that.

*author's note: yeah, i was 150 my freshman year of college, but that WAS the second semester, after that inevitable first-semester freshman weight gain. i'm sure i'm sugar coating my sentiment here, because i remember being at the doctor's and having that weight read to me, and me being somewhat discouraged by it. also, i think the whole girls-weekend-forever 21-clothes buying thing happened all of one time. maybe twice. oh well, memories are always best through the rose-colored glasses, aren't they?
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    What a great, introspective post. I think knowing your patterns and recognizing the feelings behind your behaviors are incredibly powerful tools. There's no limit to what you can do with that kind of information, and motivation. You go, girl!
    3352 days ago
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