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This is so frustrating!!!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Last month I gained almost all of the 43 lbs I had lost back--- not because of bad eating habits or lack of exercise. To be totally honest-- I don't know why and neither does my doctor. I was retaining a ton of fluid-- my hands, feet, legs and face were huge. I couldn't breathe, it was hard just to walk. As suddenly as it came on-- it is now leaving. I lost almost 21 lbs in just one week!!! This is so frustrating. I don't know what is going on with my body!!!

I spent all last week in Shreveport at LSU hospital (not in the hospital but as an outpatient) doing EKGs, labs, stress tests and nuclear stress tests. Of course, the doctors had little if anything to tell me-- "we'll report our findings to your regular physician"

It is increasingly harder for me to breathe and any exertion at all has me sweating, panting or in severe pain. I know part of the problem is my house. I live in a very old house and it has some mold issues. My landlord won't do anything about it (granted he is rather old) and I can't find anything else in this price range locally.

I haven't been able to work in months and I am having to rely on my parents and my daughter just to help me make ends meet. I have always been an independent person, so this is heartbreaking for me, to say the very least. I have worked several jobs at a time almost all my life. Not working is driving me crazy. I don't like not having any money--- I have bills, my daughter's b-day is next week and the holidays are fast approaching.

To say I am depressed would be an understatement. I have had such terrible thoughts running rampant in my head, but don't worry-- I won't act on them. I just feel so useless to everybody. I feel like I am taking up somebody else's space-- someone much more worthy and useful.

I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, and I may very well be, but I am so tired of being sick, I am so tired of being obese and I am so tired of just being!!! On second thought-- frustrating doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but I draw a blank at a better word.

I have a few friends that can relate to how I feel and my mom has basically the same issues, but so many people look at me and say "you look good, so how come you feel bad?" UGHHHHHHH My daddy, bless his heart, I know he is concerned but at the same time-- he has absolutely NO concept as to how horrible I feel or how much I hate feeling this way. Of course, he has hardly ever been sick in his entire life, so how could he possibly know?

All in all-- I want to feel better, I want to be able to go back to work, I want to be able to do things without feeling like my heart is bursting from my chest, I want to have a day without a migraine or a headache of any kind--- I want to feel "normal" or just like everyone else again. Is that so bad???
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey Holly, sorry I am slow to read this. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. If there is anything I can do just let me know. I hope you have some answers soon!

    3388 days ago
    I hope your docs find out what is wrong with you-you must be scared.

    If I were you, I would report your landlord to the state. Most states should have regulations requiring landlords to keep their properties liveable. And mold infestations are not liveable conditions, as they can cause health permanent problems.

    Hope you feel better soon, Liz
    3393 days ago
  • BRIANNE7924
    Oh my! I am sorry your going though so much! I hope they find out what is wrong soon. I can't really think of anything to add that others haven't already said. I relly do hope everything gets better and soon! emoticon
    3393 days ago
  • ITS_4_LIFE
    I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope the doctors figure out what is going on. I will pray that you get better. Hang in there.

    3394 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I hate to see you so down. Hopefully the doctor's can find out what's wrong soon and make you better. You are lucky to have your parents and daughter help you in your time of need. It won't be forever and one day you may need to help them. So try to concentrate on getting yourself better first. You need that to be able to do the things you used to. You're right to come and let out your frustrations here. So try your best to not think the bad thoughts. We're here for you!
    Lot's of hugs to you

    3394 days ago
    Wow Holly, this sounds soooooo familiar: being depressed over health issues, not being able to work because of health issues, having to depend on others for help after being proud of being independent, disgusted with life...it sounds like me! Or rather the "old" me. Granted, I am still hard off financially right now, I still have health issues (but they are tremendously improved), and I still feel disgusted when I self-evaluate.

    Obviously your weight gain (and then loss) is health related. You are taking steps to find out what it is exactly. Once the causes are found and corrected, life will begin to get better. I know that in the mean-time it is hard to feel positive or even worth while, but you know better, you know you are worth while! I am sure that your family would prefer to help you when you need it than to not have you at all. Suffering from bi-polar, I know that there really isn't anything that anyone can say to "snap" you out of your depression. All that I can suggest is to "ride the wave", stay as strong as you can, and try to be patient with yourself while awaiting test results (and treatment).

    I agree with the prior post...concentrate on your immediate health issue, then resume your weight loss journey. Who knows, once the medical part is addressed-the weight journey may come very easy.

    If you need to talk or vent, come visit anytime!
    3394 days ago
    Holly, take the time you need to focus on getting your health back and try not to worry about your weight gain obviously it is a health issue and not because of lack of exercise or poor eating choices. Take care
    3394 days ago
    Sorry to hear about the things you are going through right now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything gets better and you get back on your wonderful weight loss journey! Please keep smiling and know God will help you through it! Take care! emoticon
    3394 days ago
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