Thursday, November 06, 2008
Last month I gained almost all of the 43 lbs I had lost back--- not because of bad eating habits or lack of exercise. To be totally honest-- I don't know why and neither does my doctor. I was retaining a ton of fluid-- my hands, feet, legs and face were huge. I couldn't breathe, it was hard just to walk. As suddenly as it came on-- it is now leaving. I lost almost 21 lbs in just one week!!! This is so frustrating. I don't know what is going on with my body!!!
I spent all last week in Shreveport at LSU hospital (not in the hospital but as an outpatient) doing EKGs, labs, stress tests and nuclear stress tests. Of course, the doctors had little if anything to tell me-- "we'll report our findings to your regular physician"
It is increasingly harder for me to breathe and any exertion at all has me sweating, panting or in severe pain. I know part of the problem is my house. I live in a very old house and it has some mold issues. My landlord won't do anything about it (granted he is rather old) and I can't find anything else in this price range locally.
I haven't been able to work in months and I am having to rely on my parents and my daughter just to help me make ends meet. I have always been an independent person, so this is heartbreaking for me, to say the very least. I have worked several jobs at a time almost all my life. Not working is driving me crazy. I don't like not having any money--- I have bills, my daughter's b-day is next week and the holidays are fast approaching.
To say I am depressed would be an understatement. I have had such terrible thoughts running rampant in my head, but don't worry-- I won't act on them. I just feel so useless to everybody. I feel like I am taking up somebody else's space-- someone much more worthy and useful.
I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, and I may very well be, but I am so tired of being sick, I am so tired of being obese and I am so tired of just being!!! On second thought-- frustrating doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but I draw a blank at a better word.
I have a few friends that can relate to how I feel and my mom has basically the same issues, but so many people look at me and say "you look good, so how come you feel bad?" UGHHHHHHH My daddy, bless his heart, I know he is concerned but at the same time-- he has absolutely NO concept as to how horrible I feel or how much I hate feeling this way. Of course, he has hardly ever been sick in his entire life, so how could he possibly know?
All in all-- I want to feel better, I want to be able to go back to work, I want to be able to do things without feeling like my heart is bursting from my chest, I want to have a day without a migraine or a headache of any kind--- I want to feel "normal" or just like everyone else again. Is that so bad???